Allow me to be pretentious for a moment, or: When your Muse speaks to you, you better fuckin' listen

You begin to meet people who are in the field of
your bliss and they open the doors for you. I say
follow your bliss and don't be afraid and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be."
- Joseph Campbell

I talked with an old friend tonight and we had an amazing conversation. Every now and then you feel yourself getting to a small nugget of truth about yourself, but it takes an outside viewpoint to really dust it off and show it to you in the right light. What may have seemed like idle chatter to her really tore the curtains off those windows and let the light in.

This friend has known me for many years and probably knew me better than anyone. Long ago, when were closer I had shared my most intimate thoughts with her. She knew me. And she still knows me pretty well. I needed that lost voice from long ago to tell me what I'd been waiting to hear.

We talked about the "incident" in Pittsburgh 11 years ago. Where I had been beaten close to death. I've always felt that was a turning point in my life. That was where the old me turned into the new me. She told me I had changed after that. Of course that is understandable, given the nature of the incident. But I hadn't changed for the better.

Instead of embracing life and following my dreams with more determination, I retreated into my self, became more reflective. As I told her, the things I wanted to do in life seemed very trivial now. There was an underlying sense of malaise in everything I did. I became overly pessimistic. I believe I lost my faith. Not just in God (which I did. I am now a bit of an agnostic) and the world around me, but in myself.

I lost my passion, that burning desire in me to create art. Oh, I've flirted with it over the years, but never with the intensity I once had. She talked about Joseph Campbell, (ironically I just watched The Power of Myth last night!) and how I always seemed to be someone who "followed his bliss" and that only that would make me happy.

She told me she still believes that passion is in me, but that it is buried under years of neglect and pain.

But recently I feel it coming back. I feel like a bird let out of his cage. I have no security right now, but I am not worried as I have been in the past. I have no chains, or bars holding me back. I am free to "follow my bliss".

I am not sure what my path is. I can only walk it. I know that the daily grind, the nine to five drudgery (as I see it) is not for me. And the nine to five world completely agrees with me. Traditional employment and I are ill-suited for each other. I am taking a step into the unknown. And I will not listen to any advice to try and bring me back into the fold. The search for a stable income and traditonal employment has diverted my attention long enough. Now it is time to sing, to play the fiddle while Rome burns!

I am ready to get to work!

Simple Man

I think my approach to video games growing up has reflected my approach to life and gives some clue as to why I’m still floundering at the age of 31.

A lot of my friends loved video games. I enjoyed them as much as any kid, but at a certain point I got really bored with them. See, as I got older, video games got more strategic and complex. And I never liked those games. I liked games where the goal was to just shoot shit, jump over things or steal gold. Donkey Kong was simple enough. You just smashed things with your hammer and climbed ladders. Pitfall, you just swung over ponds of alligators, jumped over scorpions and stole gold. Pac Man, you just ate dots.

But then games started to have long-term goals. You had to do a combination of moves in order to succeed. You had to think ahead.

That didn’t interest me.

When I played sports as a kid, my goals were also very simple. I had no interest in the rules of the game. When I played soccer growing up, it was just because I liked kicking the ball. When I played football with the neighborhood kids, it was only so I could tackle someone and drive their head into the ground.

I was all about the visceral aspects of the game. Creating a strategy to win was very far removed from my mind. I wanted to feel the thrill of kicking a soccer ball as far as I could. I didn’t care where it went after that.

I don’t play video games anymore because they’ve gotten too complex. I remember playing a game at a friend’s house a few years ago and he explained that I should do this and that to get to the next level.

“Can’t I just shoot shit?” I asked.

He laughed at my unsophisticated approach.

Recently I watched a television show in which one of my short films was presented. The other films on the show were polished and well-produced, and mine stood out as a piece of trivial crap. I hadn’t made the film with any forethought. And I hadn’t planned on seeing it being broadcast anywhere. My brother, and a friend and I just went out and shot a bunch of stupid shit and a few years later I edited it just to learn how to use my editing software.

I reflected on many of the things I’ve done over the years, artistic and otherwise, and that same mentality seems to pervade all of it. Very little forethought. An improvised moment, little or no strategy, purely instinctual.

Perhaps I need a change. Maybe I should take up chess.

Oh the weather outside is frightful

So we finally get the first snowstorm of the season. And the news is all over it. Special reports on how to prepare for the storm, what you should buy and that sort of thing.
It's just snow.
But they show people on the news stocking up like it's the onslaught of another ice age.

Woman: "Honey, what are we gonna do if we're snowed in for several weeks??"

Man: "Paper towels. We'll need lots of paper towels! And canned goods!"

Woman: "Duct tape?"

Man: "Yes! To muffle the screams when we are forced to eat the children."

Woman: "I hope we get home before the storm starts."

Man: "Let's just enjoy our anniversary dinner. You know how hard it was to get reservations here."

Woman: "You think we'll have time to squeeze in a movie? I'd really like to see Firewall."

Man: "I rented Grizzly Man from Netflix. Let's stay in and baracade the house."

Maitre D': "Donner. Party of two. Your table's ready."

Reading is FUNdamental

Currently reading Chris Elliott's novel The Shroud of the Thwacker. Very funny book. As was expected, after having discovered his book Daddy's Boy at a thrift store six years ago. Both are highly recommended.

Also on my suggested reading list is my friend Chris Sullivan's novel-in-progress, That Book I Was Telling You About.

And much to my joy, I have discovered a cornucopia of old pulp novels from the 30s and 40s available online at Blackmask Online. These are all stories whose copyright has run out, so they can be put on the web in their entirety. Tons of The Shadow and Doc Savage stories!

The Screaming Child Car Alarm

We've all grown accustomed to the sound of car alarms. They are no longer a deterrent against car theft. No one pays attention. But what if we changed the sound of the alarm to something that will grab people's attention and scare criminals away?

What if, instead of a loud beeping noise, your car started screaming like a small child? You could spruce it up with cries of "No! Let go of me!" "Get your hands off!" and "Please don't touch me there mister!!"

A Few Thoughts

• Inside the Actors Studio presents Martin Lawrence! Why haven't I seen this yet??? I can't wait for James Lipton's analysis of Big Momma's House 2!


• A bartender from a bar I used to frequent in New Orleans now bartends at a bar around the corner from me in Brooklyn. This is strangely comforting.


• I hate when people say they are "definitely gonna try" to do something. What that means is they are definitely gonna disappoint. You either do it or you don't. There is no try. If you don't want to do something, say so. Don't try to spare my feelings by trying to do something. Because if you don't do it, it still counts against you in the end, no matter how hard you tried.


• If God is always listening, can we sue him for invasion of privacy or is he granted the same leeway as the president?


• "Talents lose their luster if we become too familiar with them, for the outer shell of the mind is more readily seen than its rich inner kernel. Even the outstanding genius makes use of retirement so that man may honor him and so that the yearning aroused by his absence may cause him to be esteemed." -Baltasar Gracian (1601-1658)
  
  What you call laziness, I call cultivating the rich inner kernel of my potential genius.


• If you haven't been to AwesomeTown yet, you must go! Post Haste!


• I love this story about the Star Wars Bus Ride From Hell. This bus driver got kids to cut up each others' clothes with scissors as punishment? What does that have to do with Star Wars?


• Speaking of those little fuckers, I hear that schools are now paying kids to actually go to school. What? I went to school because if I didn't I would either a) get grounded or b) get threatened with physical violence. And there was always the fear I would get held back a year with the guys who always smelled like motor oil. I was definitely born in the wrong time period! If we have to pay these kids to go to school, then ALL their bus drivers should have Star Wars clubs where the kids endure unusual punishment. And we should film it for a reality show!
  

Friday fun

I've been pretty useless all week. I've got nothing to give you.
Except for this: