Kidnapping 101

It’s been awhile since there was a good kidnapping with a ridiculous ransom demand to hold the American public spellbound. Alas, the newspapers are void of such events these days, overloaded as they are with gritty stories from the frontlines of the Iraq war, the daily bumbling of our egregious political system, and the scandal-ready antics of Paris Hilton. While the ordeal of Elizabeth Smart a few years back kept us partially satiated, it lacked the drama of an exorbitant ransom. Some of you may be asking, “Who will be our generation’s Lindbergh baby? Our Patty Hearst?”

Well friends, the answer to that question could be you. That’s right! You can shanghai yourself for fun and profit without ever leaving your own home! O.K. that last part is completely false, but never you mind. By following a few simple steps you can be on your way to a profitable venture into the exciting, high-stakes world of kidnapping!

A common misconception among would-be kidnapper/victims is that they must be well liked to garner any media attention or reward. This is not the case. While a winning personality will most certainly work to your advantage as a kidnapping victim/media darling (and possibly push your expected ransom up a few decimal points) the role of victim does not have to be played by the “loved and adored” alone. Many of those who count themselves among the “merely-tolerated” have pulled in sizable ransoms as well. Alas, the “unpopular and disliked” have been known to go missing for decades and sometimes wind up homeless or dead. A few have reportedly turned themselves in for free, their spirits crushed, their bodies flea-and-lice-ridden, their stories not fit even for a Commercial-Of-The-Week.

It certainly helps if you come from a wealthy family, as this will make the gathering of the ransom money more feasible. Asking a capitalist swine industrialist to turn over a few million clams seems more appropriate than asking a city garbage disposal employee. If you come from a less economically advantaged background your best bet is to play on the sympathy of others. Maybe your father is a police officer or firefighter. This is a great area to exploit in these post-9/11 times! We are predisposed to feeling sorry for these families, and you might even get small children from around the country to forgo lunch a few times a week and trips to Disneyland to put money aside for your safe return. Play the heartstrings!


THE RANSOM NOTE

The first step once you’ve decided to kidnap yourself is to write a ransom note. These days, with the significant advances made in forensic science, it is much harder to write an untraceable ransom note. Every detail of the note will be poured over by the proper authorities (provided someone actually wants to see you returned to them), and you can’t allow any clues to get out which might reveal your identity. This automatically scratches the idea of a handwritten note. Graphologists will be able to figure out you wrote it, no matter how disguised and child-like you make your scrawl. Even notes written on a computer can be traced, by studying the minute flaws in various printers. Your best bet is to cut out letters from a newspaper and paste them together on a separate piece of paper. This is not only a tried and true method of writing ransom notes, it’s also punk rock and DIY! (In fact in Idaho in 1986, Jorge Stinkshit, a dominant figure in the Pocatello punk rock scene and lead singer of The One-Armed Wankers, was picked up for kidnapping an Elk City woman’s daschund, because the kidnapper’s note bore a striking resemblance to the singer’s hand-made flyers to promote his band.)

Be sure to use harsh language and a threatening tone in your note. Throw in declarations of certain death should your demands not be met. This helps get the public and proper authorities whipped into a frenzy. Everyone loves a good suspense tale, so keep them on the edge of their seats! Don’t be afraid to plagiarize well-written ransom notes from the past. No one is going to criticize your note for its “lack of originality”. Toss in liberal use of the phrase “Or Else!” You don’t even need to tell them or else what, they’ll know you mean business if you’ve interested them this far. (This is also a good phrase to end the note on. It leaves a sense of foreboding.)

*One more thing: An important, yet oft overlooked part of ransom note etiquette is leaving the note in an easy-to-find spot. All this would be for naught if no one finds your note and everyone assumes you just went out for coffee.


THE ACTUAL KIDNAPPING

Now we get to the fun part! Abducting yourself is a great way to spend an afternoon, provided you’ve made the necessary preparations.

The element of surprise is your best ally. Where are you at your least suspecting and most vulnerable? While you are sleeping? While watching the game on TV? Perhaps while you are cooking dinner? The proper time to spirit away yourself is entirely up to you. But be smooth about it, so you don’t wake the neighbors and bungle the whole operation. Sneak up on yourself quietly. Wear a ski mask so you won’t be able to identify yourself. When you’ve gotten within a few feet and haven’t alerted yourself to your presence, make your move! There may be a struggle. In fact you may have to knock yourself unconscious. This will certainly slow up the process but once you regain consciousness (provided you weren’t too rough on yourself) you’ll know better than to put up a fight. This time you’ll be cooperative as you tie yourself up. If you do get lippy now and then, simply grab yourself by the front of your shirt and say, “Why I oughta...” This will remind you that you mean business, and the memory of that earlier beating will hopefully come back and prevent further disobedience.

Don’t forget the blindfold! After you’ve tied yourself up good and tight (a little practice in tying knots may be necessary. Go to the local Army & Navy store and pick up a Boy Scout Merit badge book on knot-tying to learn the most useful knots) put on the blindfold so you won’t be able to lead the cops back to the hideout once you’ve been safely returned to them.

Driving to the designated hideout may be a tad difficult with the blindfold on, so you will want to drive carefully. There is no need to rush to the hideout. Drive the speed limit and use your turn signals. You don’t want to arouse suspicion. Remember: Slow and steady wins the race!


AT THE HIDEOUT

Once you’ve transported yourself to the hideout, you’ll want to tie yourself to a chair in the middle of the room. Lead yourself to the chair and say, “Sit down you!” then forcible make yourself sit. If you start to struggle as you are tying yourself to the chair, a swift backhand to the face or a strong “I’ll bloody your lip again you!” will do the trick. Make sure the knots are strong, since this will be the longest part of the kidnapping, and you don’t want to wriggle out and give yourself the slip while your back is turned playing cards.

Now the only thing left to do is wait.

And wait.

Keep a phone close by in case the police call to make arrangements for a pickup, or if you get hungry and want to order a pizza.