David Sedaris has a funny piece in The New Yorker about those undecided voters during an election.
"...I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention?
To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”
To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.
I mean, really, what’s to be confused about?"
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Not A Shadow in the City
I've been working a lot recently. The show we're working on now seems to be just a series of crises. Everybody wants something different and they want it now. Fortunately, the vibe of the folks at this production company is upbeat and relaxed. No one wants to cut your balls off and run you out of town if you screw up. We've had to redo a lot of outputs because something changed or was overlooked and not changed. But it never feels like the end of the world.
As I was setting up a DVD layoff for an episode of another show we're working on, I apologized to the editor whose show it was for having to run it through again. He said, "No worries. If I had a nickle for every time I screwed up an output, I'd be retired."
This week, I've had some lax days that always end with a huge shitstorm of requests just as I'm finishing up. I usually end up working an extra three, maybe four hours. My day is like having a dog. You take the dog out repeatedly throughout the day for him to do his business, but he just lopes around, maybe squirts a little piss here and there, but never gets to the "punchline". The thing that worries you is that you've seen him scarf down huge amounts of food in between his little walks. But you keep taking him out, with a big WalMart plastic bag wrapped around your hand to pick up the pile when he finally lets loose on the sidewalk. No go, however. Finally, as you are ready to call it a night and go to bed he takes a massive dump in your living room, and it's huge. The work of six dogs. Or maybe a bear. And now you have to use a whole bunch of Walmart plastic bags and paper towels and bottles of Frebreze and it takes you forever.
But, as I said, the people I work with are fun.
The other day one of the girls said, "This is why I don't wear shorts to work. Everyone keeps commenting on my tattoos." To which the post supervisor quipped, "Yeah. I noticed those. Were you in some sort of lesbian concentration camp in the 1990s?" The joke failed, but in hindsight I find it funny.
Thursday, I went to see a midnight screening of The Dark Knight. I started talking with one of the story editors and she asked me if I knew anyone who wanted to see the movie. She had bought a ticket for one theater and her cousin, whom she was going with, had gotten one at a different theater. So she bought a second ticket for that theater and now had an extra one to get rid of. I forked over my ten dollars and she gave me the ticket. Luckily she didn't know that tickets for the movie were going for $50-$100 on craigsist!
The movie was great. But the pre-show was just as good.
I got there an hour early because I had nothing better to do after work (which is only a few blocks from the theater). I found a seat next to a gaggle of college girls. There was an empty seat next to me, then two guys, and an empty seat next to them. The theater was getting packed. I sat there reading a book. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a guy sprint into the theater, lose his footing on the buttered floor and do a faceplant. The slap as he hit the floor echoed in the theater and everyone erupted into applause. He got up and lightly jogged back to his seat. He was laughing with embarassment and the rest of the theater was just laughing. There were calls for an encore.
Then about two minutes before midnight, a girl and her boyfriend walk in to our row and ask if the seat next to me is taken. I say no and slide over, next to the two guys. Then she asks the guy on the far end of me if we can all scoot over one more spot. The guy looks at the empty seat next to him, then back at the girl and says, politely, "No."
"What?!" the girl squawks.
"I said no. But one of you is welcome to this seat."
She is incredulous and decides she needs to broadcast this event to the rest of the theater.
"There's two of me!! And you won't move over one seat??!"
"Nope."
People start booing, but I'm not sure if they are booing the guy or booing her. Probably both. People are having fun though with this evening's entertainment so far.
"Why won't you move in?"
"Because I got here early and found the seat I wanted. If you weren't walking in two minutes before showtime and telling me to move, we might be able to work it out."
I liked this guy!
"Why are you being such a dick?" she turned to the gaggle of girls I'd been sitting next to. "Am I the only one who thinks that's insane? I mean, there are two of me. What the hell."
There was a sense of entitlement the girl was exuding at that moment that filled me with the urge to slap her. You could tell by her demeanor that she was daddy's little girl and had probably whined her way into getting most of what she wanted in life. She was going to make some lucky man very miserable one day. I just wanted to go back to my book and not be in the middle of this.
"Why won't you move?" she barked at the guy.
"Well now you've insulted me so I'm definitely not moving now."
"What?!"
"You just called me a dick. That's no way to win favor with someone you want something from."
Meanwhile the boyfriend stood behind her and let her handle the negotiations.
"It's one seat! You just need to move over one seat! What the hell? I don't understand why you're doing this!" She was yelling. And the crowd around us was goading them on.
I, however, was getting frustrated. And I felt the rage building. Before I knew it, I had joined the fray and my voice drowned them both out as I screamed, "Are you a fucking child!! Do you need someone to hold your hand?! Sit the fuck down! There's a seat here and a seat there. You're a goddamn adult, now quit crying!!"
This stunned her and her boyfriend had his cellphone pointed in my direction. He then spoke into it: "Hear that? Yeah, I got you on speakerphone. Yeah, we're in the theater. That's the shit that's goin' on. I know, right?"
The other guy said, "If you apologize, I'll move over."
She did and he and his friend started moving. The friend leaned over to me, laughing, and whispered, "Now you should refuse to move over."
I thought about it. That would've been funny. But I'd already had my little outburst and I wanted to just watch the movie. So I moved over, the movie started and all was good.
On the train home, there was a skinny, old black man in a hospital gown and socks wandering back and forth on the car. Everyone ignored him. I did at first too. I started reading my book and just shook my head. After a few stops I thought to myself, "Maybe that guy needs help. I can ask. And notify the train crew. Did he just walk out of the hospital? He's got no clothes. I should do something." But by the time I had finished this interior monologue, he'd gotten off the train.
Today I went with Misha to the IKEA that opened in Red Hook. There's a free shuttle that picks you up at 9th and 4th and takes you there. I'd never been to IKEA before so it was a new experience. Being in places like that fills you with the urge to totally redo your home. Looking at different bedroom sets and kitchen sets and random furniture I envisioned several possible looks I'd like for my apartment. Until I realized the apartment I was envisioning was not actually my apartment and I should probably wait until I have the space for these things before I get them. I did buy a bunch of kitchen things, though, and picture frames for some of my old artwork.
As I was setting up a DVD layoff for an episode of another show we're working on, I apologized to the editor whose show it was for having to run it through again. He said, "No worries. If I had a nickle for every time I screwed up an output, I'd be retired."
This week, I've had some lax days that always end with a huge shitstorm of requests just as I'm finishing up. I usually end up working an extra three, maybe four hours. My day is like having a dog. You take the dog out repeatedly throughout the day for him to do his business, but he just lopes around, maybe squirts a little piss here and there, but never gets to the "punchline". The thing that worries you is that you've seen him scarf down huge amounts of food in between his little walks. But you keep taking him out, with a big WalMart plastic bag wrapped around your hand to pick up the pile when he finally lets loose on the sidewalk. No go, however. Finally, as you are ready to call it a night and go to bed he takes a massive dump in your living room, and it's huge. The work of six dogs. Or maybe a bear. And now you have to use a whole bunch of Walmart plastic bags and paper towels and bottles of Frebreze and it takes you forever.
But, as I said, the people I work with are fun.
The other day one of the girls said, "This is why I don't wear shorts to work. Everyone keeps commenting on my tattoos." To which the post supervisor quipped, "Yeah. I noticed those. Were you in some sort of lesbian concentration camp in the 1990s?" The joke failed, but in hindsight I find it funny.
Thursday, I went to see a midnight screening of The Dark Knight. I started talking with one of the story editors and she asked me if I knew anyone who wanted to see the movie. She had bought a ticket for one theater and her cousin, whom she was going with, had gotten one at a different theater. So she bought a second ticket for that theater and now had an extra one to get rid of. I forked over my ten dollars and she gave me the ticket. Luckily she didn't know that tickets for the movie were going for $50-$100 on craigsist!
The movie was great. But the pre-show was just as good.
I got there an hour early because I had nothing better to do after work (which is only a few blocks from the theater). I found a seat next to a gaggle of college girls. There was an empty seat next to me, then two guys, and an empty seat next to them. The theater was getting packed. I sat there reading a book. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a guy sprint into the theater, lose his footing on the buttered floor and do a faceplant. The slap as he hit the floor echoed in the theater and everyone erupted into applause. He got up and lightly jogged back to his seat. He was laughing with embarassment and the rest of the theater was just laughing. There were calls for an encore.
Then about two minutes before midnight, a girl and her boyfriend walk in to our row and ask if the seat next to me is taken. I say no and slide over, next to the two guys. Then she asks the guy on the far end of me if we can all scoot over one more spot. The guy looks at the empty seat next to him, then back at the girl and says, politely, "No."
"What?!" the girl squawks.
"I said no. But one of you is welcome to this seat."
She is incredulous and decides she needs to broadcast this event to the rest of the theater.
"There's two of me!! And you won't move over one seat??!"
"Nope."
People start booing, but I'm not sure if they are booing the guy or booing her. Probably both. People are having fun though with this evening's entertainment so far.
"Why won't you move in?"
"Because I got here early and found the seat I wanted. If you weren't walking in two minutes before showtime and telling me to move, we might be able to work it out."
I liked this guy!
"Why are you being such a dick?" she turned to the gaggle of girls I'd been sitting next to. "Am I the only one who thinks that's insane? I mean, there are two of me. What the hell."
There was a sense of entitlement the girl was exuding at that moment that filled me with the urge to slap her. You could tell by her demeanor that she was daddy's little girl and had probably whined her way into getting most of what she wanted in life. She was going to make some lucky man very miserable one day. I just wanted to go back to my book and not be in the middle of this.
"Why won't you move?" she barked at the guy.
"Well now you've insulted me so I'm definitely not moving now."
"What?!"
"You just called me a dick. That's no way to win favor with someone you want something from."
Meanwhile the boyfriend stood behind her and let her handle the negotiations.
"It's one seat! You just need to move over one seat! What the hell? I don't understand why you're doing this!" She was yelling. And the crowd around us was goading them on.
I, however, was getting frustrated. And I felt the rage building. Before I knew it, I had joined the fray and my voice drowned them both out as I screamed, "Are you a fucking child!! Do you need someone to hold your hand?! Sit the fuck down! There's a seat here and a seat there. You're a goddamn adult, now quit crying!!"
This stunned her and her boyfriend had his cellphone pointed in my direction. He then spoke into it: "Hear that? Yeah, I got you on speakerphone. Yeah, we're in the theater. That's the shit that's goin' on. I know, right?"
The other guy said, "If you apologize, I'll move over."
She did and he and his friend started moving. The friend leaned over to me, laughing, and whispered, "Now you should refuse to move over."
I thought about it. That would've been funny. But I'd already had my little outburst and I wanted to just watch the movie. So I moved over, the movie started and all was good.
On the train home, there was a skinny, old black man in a hospital gown and socks wandering back and forth on the car. Everyone ignored him. I did at first too. I started reading my book and just shook my head. After a few stops I thought to myself, "Maybe that guy needs help. I can ask. And notify the train crew. Did he just walk out of the hospital? He's got no clothes. I should do something." But by the time I had finished this interior monologue, he'd gotten off the train.
Today I went with Misha to the IKEA that opened in Red Hook. There's a free shuttle that picks you up at 9th and 4th and takes you there. I'd never been to IKEA before so it was a new experience. Being in places like that fills you with the urge to totally redo your home. Looking at different bedroom sets and kitchen sets and random furniture I envisioned several possible looks I'd like for my apartment. Until I realized the apartment I was envisioning was not actually my apartment and I should probably wait until I have the space for these things before I get them. I did buy a bunch of kitchen things, though, and picture frames for some of my old artwork.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Witch Prison 101
So we had our opening night of "Witch Prison" last night and it went well. Good laughs in the right spots. My brother saw the show and said it flowed well with no slow sections. He said it was Simon's best work so far. Another guy I talked to after the show said he's seen Simon's literary progression and feels this is a culmination of everything. I definitely think this is the most completely realized production the Lion Pinball Players have mounted so far.
We are actually listed in the New York Times theater section this time around, so perhaps more people will discover the play and check it out.
I've taken the week off from work, so I can just relax and focus on the play. Which is nice.
Check out the play's website and reserve a ticket if you're not busy this weekend with your Fourth of July plans.
We are actually listed in the New York Times theater section this time around, so perhaps more people will discover the play and check it out.
I've taken the week off from work, so I can just relax and focus on the play. Which is nice.
Check out the play's website and reserve a ticket if you're not busy this weekend with your Fourth of July plans.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Reminders
I found an old Word document journal entry from five years ago, when I was still living in New Orleans. It was one of three entries I made. I had just gotten my first computer and was trying to move my journal keeping to a digital format. Unsuccessfully. I still do most of my journal writing in longhand in notebooks. This blog sometimes takes its place.
There were two thoughts I had written down that I really liked, and think they're good inspirational messages to myself. They basically re-iterate the need to be productive and stop slacking off. And to think bigger instead of covering the same small bit of ground over and over again. To grow as an "artist", I guess. Either way, I kinda like them:
Do you want to go on safari or keep on shooting squirrels in the back yard?
I hear opportunity sneaking around outside, looking for the right door to knock on. Will I be ready when he finally figures out my address?
There were two thoughts I had written down that I really liked, and think they're good inspirational messages to myself. They basically re-iterate the need to be productive and stop slacking off. And to think bigger instead of covering the same small bit of ground over and over again. To grow as an "artist", I guess. Either way, I kinda like them:
Do you want to go on safari or keep on shooting squirrels in the back yard?
I hear opportunity sneaking around outside, looking for the right door to knock on. Will I be ready when he finally figures out my address?
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Hangin' in Wilmington
I got to meet the lovely Abigail Grace this past weekend. She's recently started walking. We went to the mall and she got new shoes, which was all she needed to really start trucking around.
It was a very domestic weekend, taking Abby on walks, shopping, feeding Abby, playing with Abby, buying and assembling deck furniture, and just crashing in front of the TV when it was all done. I don't know how Miss E does it all by her lonesome, but I'm quite impressed.
It certainly made me feel all mature and stuff, like I could actually do that someday.
It was a very domestic weekend, taking Abby on walks, shopping, feeding Abby, playing with Abby, buying and assembling deck furniture, and just crashing in front of the TV when it was all done. I don't know how Miss E does it all by her lonesome, but I'm quite impressed.
It certainly made me feel all mature and stuff, like I could actually do that someday.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Witches and Wardlocks
You should come see the new play if you are in NY the first week of July. Here's all the info:
Witch Prison
Witch Prison
Friday, May 09, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Lion Pinball Players Return
Simon had a read-through for his new play, "Witch Prison" on Saturday. We start rehearsals next week and look to have a preview performance in June I believe, with the official run being sometime in late June/early July.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Fun With Spammers
I have a Myspace account. Everyday I get friend requests or messages from fake profiles of really hot women. They all say the same things basically. Always talking about being new to the internet or new to Myspace and then they give you an email address. I basically just delete and message or friend request that has a picture of a hot girl.
Today I decided to respond to one of the messages just for the hell of it.
And the spambot wrote back.
A really long message telling me all about what they are looking for in a man. Kinda presumptuous, I thought, since this isn't a dating site. It's just a site to get spam from.
So I responded again.
And their spambot generated another automated response.
So the DaveO5000 generated it's own nonsensical response.
And so on...
Here's the conversation thus far:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sherry
Date: Apr 2, 2008 10:32 AM
How are you
you sound really cool in your profile, let tell you about myself, I love to laugh and enjoy life to the fullest. Nothing in life is worthwhile without passion, I love helping people, I am very compassionate and caring. What more can I say, I have a great sense of humour, I'm looking for a mature relationship I have no time for games or lies though. I consider myself to be very independent and know what I want..................... This internet stuff is very new to me, I don't think that it is hard to meet and talk to people but The hard part is meeting quality, intelligent, not wasted people, I basically want someone that is going to treat me with the respect that I deserve. I believe that the three most important ingredients to a healthy relationship are , communication, honesty and Stability. If you don't have those, you really don't have anything. i am looking for someone that is kind, caring, sweet, nice, cute, smart, funny. I want someone to cuddle with and who will want to talk to me and tell me all about them. I would like someone that will listen to me and communicate with me. I am looking for some one that wants to spend as much time together, with me, as possible. And if they can't be there for me with affection, will call. Being held is the best feeling in the world. Ultimately I'm looking for someone that wants to fall/be in love and not afraid to show affection and be nice. I love to hear sweet words said to me. Someone that will want to be my best friend. Someone that doesn't need/have to go out and drink with his friends often. Someone that will hold me when I'm sad and comfort me when I'm afraid. let me ask you this question, what do u think are the best three trait to offer a partner? what happen to your last relationship?
here is my email adress/luvsherry1981@yahoo. com . thank you for reading
Sherry.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dave O
Date: 02/04/2008
i would love to hang out and spam people on myspace all day long.
sounds like much fun!
and you seem pretty old for the internet to be so new to you. are you from outer space? i think that is cool. i like outer space chicks. or maybe you are a time traveler from the eighteenth century? where are you from that the internet is so new to you? you look pretty classy for a poor person from the third world.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sherry
Date: Apr 2, 2008 3:26 PM
How are you and how is work, your health, and how's everything generally with you?i hope your fine and all is well with you.
Thanks for mailing me back and telling me more about yourself... Well i dont really know what you are looking and please i would like you to tell me the kind of woman your seeking for?i was onced really hurt and i got heart broken as i left my ex-fiance when i found out that he was double dating and also find out he was drinking alot. he always get drunk always and end up all his anger on me turning me to a punching bag. i was known in the hospital for caring sores and injury day after day. I just have to say Goodbye to this horrible life It was terrible life i live when i was with him that is why i have to relocate.. i was there thinking that i had found the right man not knowing he never loved me and that's why am trying this on-line dating maybe it would workout for me but i simple want someone to share it with. family is very important to me as is the idea of marriage. I am searching for someone who shares the following qualities with me. Thoughtful, loving, goal oriented, along with sense of humor. I love to laugh and smile. I also love to read, cook, and travel. My interests are many. I am honest, intelligent, loyal, affectionate, easy going, romantic, soft-spoken and sensual. I'm romantic, caring, and much more! I'm "crazy" about all pets. espcially dogs and cats. I love nature and I like to travel. I like books and reading Bible . I'm looking for for a partner for life.. are you the one?? Apperance is important but more importantly: Are you a loving guy,,,??? some times people select there love with age as for me i dont believe in age in a relationship all that l want a man that will make me happy so much and make mefeel so good and that will be faithful in all things that he told me that will be truthful to me I am actually educated just have neverfound a decent job that uses it. I am a person that use to be veryshy. I still am in ways, but in others I am a personate somebody. I kinda beensingle a long time. I really havent met any men that I really likedI guess. I kinda am looking for a funny, loyal, smart, and attractiveman. he doesnt have to be a handsome or rich but that will make me happy either just has to be some kinda spark there. anyway i just wanna let you know that I'm seeking a serious long term relationship and more. Someone special to capture my heart and knows how to handle it with care, one who will cherish me and be willing to share life's greatest joys and sorrows. Someone who's willing to spoil, pamper and love me unconditionally, whom is kind, sincere, honest, passionate, loyal, sense of humor, loving and wants a lifetime of passion. , so only serious inquiries will be accepted. I'm looking for a soul-mate... a best friend for life! Someone I could talk to about anything.... A good listener, smart and funny! I'd give the same to the ONE !! Who knows - may be you are my twin-soul? and have you check my profile anyway hope to here from you soon.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dave O
Date: 02/04/2008
Wow!
What a quick and lengthy response!
I don't want to be one of those people that always points out mistakes (not a good way to start out a relationship!) but I actually did not tell you anything about myself in my email. Perhaps you just read it too fast.
I was asking about YOU, silly!
Also I am not "seeking for" any particular woman right now. Let's not put the cart in front of the horse here. I just cyber-met you today! LOL. ;-)
I am sorry to hear about your ex-fiance double-dating. Did you go on these double dates with him ever? I must admit, I've been on a few myself and they are NOT FUN! One time I went on a double date and the other three told me they wanted to have a threesome, and I was all like, "Hello! There are FOUR of us, how can we have a THREEsome?" So I ended up leaving because who wants to hang out with people who can't even do BASIC MATH?
Also, I want to be up front here: I like drinking. I know that was a problem with your ex-fiance, but it sounds like he was drinking behind your back. I want you to know right now that I will not hide my drinking from you. I will drink out in the open. And I won't turn you into a punching bag... cuz I'm not magic! If I knew how to turn people into stuff I'd make them into something more useful than a punching bag. Like an ottoman, maybe.
You also say you were in the hospital with "caring sores". I am unfamiliar with this affliction. But I can imagine them. Kinda like "bleeding sores" but they bleed compassion and warm-heartedness. That must take a lot out of you. I am sorry you had to go through that. What a jerk!
I must say that I had trouble reading a lot of the things you wrote. Your grammar is very bad. It's like you are a barely-educated man from the Ukraine. I once dated a barely-educated man from the Ukraine, thinking it was a hot chick from Hawaii. I won't fall for that scam again! I had to double check your profile to make sure it wasn't another scam. When I saw that you were a hot chick from Littleton, Colorado I breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps Littleton has a really bad public education system and that is why your grammar is so poor.
Oh, I'm criticizing again!
Sorry.
I know you said you were new to the internet, but I have to tell you that this is not a dating site. If you are REALLY looking for someone, you should probably look into one of those. It might be of more help.
That being said, I am glad you told me so much about what you are looking for in a man. You said appearance is important but being a loving guy is more important. I feel the same about the ladies. Actually, appearance is VERY important. I mean, you can be all loving and shit but if you look like Abe Vigoda, I'm gonna have trouble taking you to the altar. Your profile picture shows me that is not the case. In fact, you are so hot I have seen seven other people using your picture for their profile! You should maybe get a lawyer.
Can I be honest with you? You won my heart when you wrote that you were "actually educated just have neverfound a decent job that uses it"
We are peas in a pod my darling! I too have never found a job that uses my education. Actually I have not found a job at all, even one that requires no education. In fact, you may have to support me for awhile. But don't worry cuz I'm all that other shit you like: "kind, sincere, honest, passionate, loyal, sense of humor, loving and wants a lifetime of passion". That's me in a nutshell babe. You don't mind if I call you babe do ya?
Whew!
That was a lot.
But I figure since you wrote two very long emails, I had to return the favor.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sherry
Date: Apr 2, 2008 8:26 PM
It nice hearing from you. How are you and your family I hope you are in good Condition of hearlt .. How is the Nature of your Job, and the atmostpheric condition Over there? Hope your doing pretty Good. i spent my weekend just crying and right now am very sad and I am just starting to feel a little better now because am just heart brokeness recently by my ex-fiance and has ended me in a nightmare now well i really want to know about you well. Oh I was wondering, am glad to know that in the evening is when to find you online so i would try and be online so we could chat better, What kind of business do you do? I am so happy to read from you. I so much love what i read about you ,I like your profile and am impressed, about your profile . I think we have a lot in common, hey, we're a 87% match! . Honey am so sorry for giving you the wrong impression and i want you to know that your friendship means alot to me and i do not judge people from there e-mail and am not scared of meeting you its just that things have been hard for me starting my life all over again without my ex-fiance and that's why i need a good man like you to start my life all over again with because you sound caring,honest,fun to be with and sincere and responsible and most importantly you have sence of humour and i want you to know that i want a man who would be there during good and bad times,I'm definitely interested and curious in learning more about YOU. You can't believe me have being spending time with my friend who has turn Out to be my father and mother infact everything to me. Sho took me in without even asking a question just becouse she knows me verywell. Becouse when she was in the state i take good care of her like a sister, brother and family. It was so horrible for me.. I only heard the story when i grew up,I lost my parents when i was 8years,I didn't feel it that time until i know what it takes now. I could have run to my parents than running to friends and seeking for help I hope you wont hate me??? sometimes you laugh and sometimes you Cry that is just the game of life. I look forward to receiving a reply from you Honey
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dave O
Date: 02/04/2008
You are so right. Sometimes you laugh and sometimes you cry. That IS the game of Life.
You just gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away and know when to run! Trust me. There'll be time enough for counting when the dealing's done.
Thank you for inquiring about the nature of my job and the atmospheric conditions. It has been raining which always makes my work a tad dreary. I am responsible for the disposal of HR (human remains). The constant rain makes the blood and pus run something fierce. Oh well. Nothing a mop bucket and some bleach can't handle. My boss, Mr. Mandrake, doesn't like me using bleach, but he can suck it. This morning I scraped some fascia from the back muscles of a still born infant I was disposing of, and put it in his desk drawer. He'll get a nice surprise in the morning!
I'm interested that this friend you've been hanging out with turned out to be your father and mother! How crazy. Kinda like this dream I had where I was in my high school Algebra class but in Yankee Stadium too, but it was also neither. I can't really explain. You should slap your mom. Friends shouldn't morph into other people regardless of how they are related to you. Especially when you just found out your parents died when you were 8.
What is your favorite sea mammal?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sherry
Date: Apr 2, 2008 9:37 PM
please i want you to e-mail me down to my yahoo so that i can also send you more of my picture from there
luvsherry1981@yahoo. com
i will be waiting to hear from you there
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dave O
Date: 02/04/2008
I can't email you down to your yahoo, though, because I don't have the Internet.
If I ever do, though, my email would be dipsydoodledavey4urluv@yahoo. com
You can send your pictures to me there and I will get them in the future. I must go save mankind now.
Today I decided to respond to one of the messages just for the hell of it.
And the spambot wrote back.
A really long message telling me all about what they are looking for in a man. Kinda presumptuous, I thought, since this isn't a dating site. It's just a site to get spam from.
So I responded again.
And their spambot generated another automated response.
So the DaveO5000 generated it's own nonsensical response.
And so on...
Here's the conversation thus far:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sherry
Date: Apr 2, 2008 10:32 AM
How are you
you sound really cool in your profile, let tell you about myself, I love to laugh and enjoy life to the fullest. Nothing in life is worthwhile without passion, I love helping people, I am very compassionate and caring. What more can I say, I have a great sense of humour, I'm looking for a mature relationship I have no time for games or lies though. I consider myself to be very independent and know what I want..................... This internet stuff is very new to me, I don't think that it is hard to meet and talk to people but The hard part is meeting quality, intelligent, not wasted people, I basically want someone that is going to treat me with the respect that I deserve. I believe that the three most important ingredients to a healthy relationship are , communication, honesty and Stability. If you don't have those, you really don't have anything. i am looking for someone that is kind, caring, sweet, nice, cute, smart, funny. I want someone to cuddle with and who will want to talk to me and tell me all about them. I would like someone that will listen to me and communicate with me. I am looking for some one that wants to spend as much time together, with me, as possible. And if they can't be there for me with affection, will call. Being held is the best feeling in the world. Ultimately I'm looking for someone that wants to fall/be in love and not afraid to show affection and be nice. I love to hear sweet words said to me. Someone that will want to be my best friend. Someone that doesn't need/have to go out and drink with his friends often. Someone that will hold me when I'm sad and comfort me when I'm afraid. let me ask you this question, what do u think are the best three trait to offer a partner? what happen to your last relationship?
here is my email adress/luvsherry1981@yahoo. com . thank you for reading
Sherry.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dave O
Date: 02/04/2008
i would love to hang out and spam people on myspace all day long.
sounds like much fun!
and you seem pretty old for the internet to be so new to you. are you from outer space? i think that is cool. i like outer space chicks. or maybe you are a time traveler from the eighteenth century? where are you from that the internet is so new to you? you look pretty classy for a poor person from the third world.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sherry
Date: Apr 2, 2008 3:26 PM
How are you and how is work, your health, and how's everything generally with you?i hope your fine and all is well with you.
Thanks for mailing me back and telling me more about yourself... Well i dont really know what you are looking and please i would like you to tell me the kind of woman your seeking for?i was onced really hurt and i got heart broken as i left my ex-fiance when i found out that he was double dating and also find out he was drinking alot. he always get drunk always and end up all his anger on me turning me to a punching bag. i was known in the hospital for caring sores and injury day after day. I just have to say Goodbye to this horrible life It was terrible life i live when i was with him that is why i have to relocate.. i was there thinking that i had found the right man not knowing he never loved me and that's why am trying this on-line dating maybe it would workout for me but i simple want someone to share it with. family is very important to me as is the idea of marriage. I am searching for someone who shares the following qualities with me. Thoughtful, loving, goal oriented, along with sense of humor. I love to laugh and smile. I also love to read, cook, and travel. My interests are many. I am honest, intelligent, loyal, affectionate, easy going, romantic, soft-spoken and sensual. I'm romantic, caring, and much more! I'm "crazy" about all pets. espcially dogs and cats. I love nature and I like to travel. I like books and reading Bible . I'm looking for for a partner for life.. are you the one?? Apperance is important but more importantly: Are you a loving guy,,,??? some times people select there love with age as for me i dont believe in age in a relationship all that l want a man that will make me happy so much and make mefeel so good and that will be faithful in all things that he told me that will be truthful to me I am actually educated just have neverfound a decent job that uses it. I am a person that use to be veryshy. I still am in ways, but in others I am a personate somebody. I kinda beensingle a long time. I really havent met any men that I really likedI guess. I kinda am looking for a funny, loyal, smart, and attractiveman. he doesnt have to be a handsome or rich but that will make me happy either just has to be some kinda spark there. anyway i just wanna let you know that I'm seeking a serious long term relationship and more. Someone special to capture my heart and knows how to handle it with care, one who will cherish me and be willing to share life's greatest joys and sorrows. Someone who's willing to spoil, pamper and love me unconditionally, whom is kind, sincere, honest, passionate, loyal, sense of humor, loving and wants a lifetime of passion. , so only serious inquiries will be accepted. I'm looking for a soul-mate... a best friend for life! Someone I could talk to about anything.... A good listener, smart and funny! I'd give the same to the ONE !! Who knows - may be you are my twin-soul? and have you check my profile anyway hope to here from you soon.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dave O
Date: 02/04/2008
Wow!
What a quick and lengthy response!
I don't want to be one of those people that always points out mistakes (not a good way to start out a relationship!) but I actually did not tell you anything about myself in my email. Perhaps you just read it too fast.
I was asking about YOU, silly!
Also I am not "seeking for" any particular woman right now. Let's not put the cart in front of the horse here. I just cyber-met you today! LOL. ;-)
I am sorry to hear about your ex-fiance double-dating. Did you go on these double dates with him ever? I must admit, I've been on a few myself and they are NOT FUN! One time I went on a double date and the other three told me they wanted to have a threesome, and I was all like, "Hello! There are FOUR of us, how can we have a THREEsome?" So I ended up leaving because who wants to hang out with people who can't even do BASIC MATH?
Also, I want to be up front here: I like drinking. I know that was a problem with your ex-fiance, but it sounds like he was drinking behind your back. I want you to know right now that I will not hide my drinking from you. I will drink out in the open. And I won't turn you into a punching bag... cuz I'm not magic! If I knew how to turn people into stuff I'd make them into something more useful than a punching bag. Like an ottoman, maybe.
You also say you were in the hospital with "caring sores". I am unfamiliar with this affliction. But I can imagine them. Kinda like "bleeding sores" but they bleed compassion and warm-heartedness. That must take a lot out of you. I am sorry you had to go through that. What a jerk!
I must say that I had trouble reading a lot of the things you wrote. Your grammar is very bad. It's like you are a barely-educated man from the Ukraine. I once dated a barely-educated man from the Ukraine, thinking it was a hot chick from Hawaii. I won't fall for that scam again! I had to double check your profile to make sure it wasn't another scam. When I saw that you were a hot chick from Littleton, Colorado I breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps Littleton has a really bad public education system and that is why your grammar is so poor.
Oh, I'm criticizing again!
Sorry.
I know you said you were new to the internet, but I have to tell you that this is not a dating site. If you are REALLY looking for someone, you should probably look into one of those. It might be of more help.
That being said, I am glad you told me so much about what you are looking for in a man. You said appearance is important but being a loving guy is more important. I feel the same about the ladies. Actually, appearance is VERY important. I mean, you can be all loving and shit but if you look like Abe Vigoda, I'm gonna have trouble taking you to the altar. Your profile picture shows me that is not the case. In fact, you are so hot I have seen seven other people using your picture for their profile! You should maybe get a lawyer.
Can I be honest with you? You won my heart when you wrote that you were "actually educated just have neverfound a decent job that uses it"
We are peas in a pod my darling! I too have never found a job that uses my education. Actually I have not found a job at all, even one that requires no education. In fact, you may have to support me for awhile. But don't worry cuz I'm all that other shit you like: "kind, sincere, honest, passionate, loyal, sense of humor, loving and wants a lifetime of passion". That's me in a nutshell babe. You don't mind if I call you babe do ya?
Whew!
That was a lot.
But I figure since you wrote two very long emails, I had to return the favor.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sherry
Date: Apr 2, 2008 8:26 PM
It nice hearing from you. How are you and your family I hope you are in good Condition of hearlt .. How is the Nature of your Job, and the atmostpheric condition Over there? Hope your doing pretty Good. i spent my weekend just crying and right now am very sad and I am just starting to feel a little better now because am just heart brokeness recently by my ex-fiance and has ended me in a nightmare now well i really want to know about you well. Oh I was wondering, am glad to know that in the evening is when to find you online so i would try and be online so we could chat better, What kind of business do you do? I am so happy to read from you. I so much love what i read about you ,I like your profile and am impressed, about your profile . I think we have a lot in common, hey, we're a 87% match! . Honey am so sorry for giving you the wrong impression and i want you to know that your friendship means alot to me and i do not judge people from there e-mail and am not scared of meeting you its just that things have been hard for me starting my life all over again without my ex-fiance and that's why i need a good man like you to start my life all over again with because you sound caring,honest,fun to be with and sincere and responsible and most importantly you have sence of humour and i want you to know that i want a man who would be there during good and bad times,I'm definitely interested and curious in learning more about YOU. You can't believe me have being spending time with my friend who has turn Out to be my father and mother infact everything to me. Sho took me in without even asking a question just becouse she knows me verywell. Becouse when she was in the state i take good care of her like a sister, brother and family. It was so horrible for me.. I only heard the story when i grew up,I lost my parents when i was 8years,I didn't feel it that time until i know what it takes now. I could have run to my parents than running to friends and seeking for help I hope you wont hate me??? sometimes you laugh and sometimes you Cry that is just the game of life. I look forward to receiving a reply from you Honey
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dave O
Date: 02/04/2008
You are so right. Sometimes you laugh and sometimes you cry. That IS the game of Life.
You just gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away and know when to run! Trust me. There'll be time enough for counting when the dealing's done.
Thank you for inquiring about the nature of my job and the atmospheric conditions. It has been raining which always makes my work a tad dreary. I am responsible for the disposal of HR (human remains). The constant rain makes the blood and pus run something fierce. Oh well. Nothing a mop bucket and some bleach can't handle. My boss, Mr. Mandrake, doesn't like me using bleach, but he can suck it. This morning I scraped some fascia from the back muscles of a still born infant I was disposing of, and put it in his desk drawer. He'll get a nice surprise in the morning!
I'm interested that this friend you've been hanging out with turned out to be your father and mother! How crazy. Kinda like this dream I had where I was in my high school Algebra class but in Yankee Stadium too, but it was also neither. I can't really explain. You should slap your mom. Friends shouldn't morph into other people regardless of how they are related to you. Especially when you just found out your parents died when you were 8.
What is your favorite sea mammal?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Sherry
Date: Apr 2, 2008 9:37 PM
please i want you to e-mail me down to my yahoo so that i can also send you more of my picture from there
luvsherry1981@yahoo. com
i will be waiting to hear from you there
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dave O
Date: 02/04/2008
I can't email you down to your yahoo, though, because I don't have the Internet.
If I ever do, though, my email would be dipsydoodledavey4urluv@yahoo. com
You can send your pictures to me there and I will get them in the future. I must go save mankind now.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Can't Hardly Wait
Twenty eight years ago, my favorite movie of all time came out.
In two months a new chapter hits the screens...
In two months a new chapter hits the screens...
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Legalize It Already
Another politician felled by his own humanity. New York governor Eliot Spitzer is just the latest in an unending line of pols who've been caught with their pants down. If I were a politician I would have solved this problem long ago. I would have thought to myself, "A lot of us have been visiting prostitutes. Hmm. And we all control the laws. Hmm. I wonder how long it will take me to add those two things together and come up with a plan? Hmmmm."
I know this is America and we are the most sexually frustrated country in the world, but really, what's so wrong here? It is the oldest profession in the world. It will always be here. It always has. The government has no problem making money off of other vices, why is this one so taboo? Legalize it already people!
Not only do I think prostitution should be legalized, I think it should be subsidized as well. That could prove to be a tough one to overcome. I may be overzealous in thinking that I will see Universal Sex Care in my day, but I can dream. Until then I would settle for some sort of insurance plan. A $10 co-pay for a visit to a prostitute in my network wouldn't be horrible.
Sure the other side may argue that under a universal sex care package we would cease to get the quality we've come to expect. Is a BJ in Canada as good as one you'd get in the good ol US of A? Would the sex industry continue to grow if it was under governmental control? What kind of advancements in dildo technology will be made without the competition and encouragement of free market capitalism?
These are all questions that can only be answered by taking that first step. The Netherlands did it. Canada, England, Israel, France, Australia, New Zealand, and Nevada did it. Hell, even Iran did it. But can America do it? We used to be a country of pioneers. We used to be on the cutting edge. Now if the politicians would take a minute to think about ways to protect themselves from getting caught, we may get somewhere...
I know this is America and we are the most sexually frustrated country in the world, but really, what's so wrong here? It is the oldest profession in the world. It will always be here. It always has. The government has no problem making money off of other vices, why is this one so taboo? Legalize it already people!
Not only do I think prostitution should be legalized, I think it should be subsidized as well. That could prove to be a tough one to overcome. I may be overzealous in thinking that I will see Universal Sex Care in my day, but I can dream. Until then I would settle for some sort of insurance plan. A $10 co-pay for a visit to a prostitute in my network wouldn't be horrible.
Sure the other side may argue that under a universal sex care package we would cease to get the quality we've come to expect. Is a BJ in Canada as good as one you'd get in the good ol US of A? Would the sex industry continue to grow if it was under governmental control? What kind of advancements in dildo technology will be made without the competition and encouragement of free market capitalism?
These are all questions that can only be answered by taking that first step. The Netherlands did it. Canada, England, Israel, France, Australia, New Zealand, and Nevada did it. Hell, even Iran did it. But can America do it? We used to be a country of pioneers. We used to be on the cutting edge. Now if the politicians would take a minute to think about ways to protect themselves from getting caught, we may get somewhere...
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Sunnier Skies or Belly of the Beast?
After six months of only intermittent employment I have come to realize it is time to move on. My love affair with New York is on the wane. I must follow the trail blazed by so many before me in the unending search for a better future. I need to go where there is the promise of work. I am moving to California. Los Angeles. Hollywood.
It's been beckoning me for many years. I knew I would heed its call eventually. Why did it take 34 years, though? Well, because I'm a bit slow. Practically retarded in some respects. It's been proven time and time again that I have a thick skull and must be beaten over the head repeatedly to notice what lies before me.
It seems my path is a switchback twisting through the mountains and I've found myself doubling back many times. I have finally reached a decent lookout point from where I can see the summit and am trying to discern a route that is more straightforward. And it appears that the next site on that route is L.A.
So now that I have a firm goal in mind, I can plan accordingly and begin to gather together the things I will need for this next adventure. It will take several months. I will probably have to get some wholly unrelated work to build up some cash from time to time.
I also want to start making a to-do list of things I want to do in New York before I go. It hasn't been all bad, but I've given the Big Apple almost 5 years of my life and I haven't gotten a whole lot back. A few more friends. Some varied experiences that could help later on. But nothing that is tying me here. I spent too much time here cursing the fact that I had no attachments in my life. I probably missed some things wallowing in self-pity.
If looked at the right way that loneliness can be a gift. I am free to do whatever the hell I want. For a man approaching his mid-30s with a Peter Pan syndrome, that certainly sounds like a good thing. I may never grow up, so it's off to Never-Never-Land to play for a few more years. And hopefully make some money doing what I love to do. Dream.
It's been beckoning me for many years. I knew I would heed its call eventually. Why did it take 34 years, though? Well, because I'm a bit slow. Practically retarded in some respects. It's been proven time and time again that I have a thick skull and must be beaten over the head repeatedly to notice what lies before me.
It seems my path is a switchback twisting through the mountains and I've found myself doubling back many times. I have finally reached a decent lookout point from where I can see the summit and am trying to discern a route that is more straightforward. And it appears that the next site on that route is L.A.
So now that I have a firm goal in mind, I can plan accordingly and begin to gather together the things I will need for this next adventure. It will take several months. I will probably have to get some wholly unrelated work to build up some cash from time to time.
I also want to start making a to-do list of things I want to do in New York before I go. It hasn't been all bad, but I've given the Big Apple almost 5 years of my life and I haven't gotten a whole lot back. A few more friends. Some varied experiences that could help later on. But nothing that is tying me here. I spent too much time here cursing the fact that I had no attachments in my life. I probably missed some things wallowing in self-pity.
If looked at the right way that loneliness can be a gift. I am free to do whatever the hell I want. For a man approaching his mid-30s with a Peter Pan syndrome, that certainly sounds like a good thing. I may never grow up, so it's off to Never-Never-Land to play for a few more years. And hopefully make some money doing what I love to do. Dream.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Old Interview
Here's an old interview from 2006 that I did for Timecode:NOLA.
They've just started posting stuff on youtube and I stumbled across it.
They've just started posting stuff on youtube and I stumbled across it.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Super Tuesday is Mardi Gras
In honor of all those people who are either voting on who they want to run for president or getting drunk and showing their tits for beads (i don't know which is more degrading, but i know which is more fun)...
Monday, January 14, 2008
Burn In Hell Verizon DSL
So my internet service has been going in and out every five minutes. I called customer support to see if there was a problem in the area perhaps, or if we had once again burned out our modem. We've had Verizon DSL for a little over 2 years and have had 4 modems die on us. I stopped sending them back and have started collecting them to see how many I can amass before I finally decide to smash them all with a hammer. Of course there was no real answer for why the internet was having problems and I can only assume that this shitty Westell modem is on its last legs.
I am full of hate. Verizon must be detroyed!
Saturday, January 05, 2008
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