Summer Blockbuster

One of the exciting things about living in a city is the increased chance for accidents and fires.

In the past year I have gotten to see a dead body laying on the sidewalk after a motorcycle accident, an SUV flip over on its roof and smash into the side of a store after doing 80mph on a residential street and slamming into another truck, and a parked car that exploded and caught fire to two surrounding cars.

These events are always a big spectacle and tend to draw big crowds of fellow curious Brooklynites. I enjoy the sense of camaraderie in our shared search for eyewitnesses and answers to our questions. "Did you see what happened?"

This morning I was woken by the THUP THUP THUP of a hovering helicopter.

After about ten or fifteen minutes of trying to block it out, I realized it was probably not just a traffic copter covering the usual gridlock. I decided it might be worth investigating.

I walked several blocks, using the two helicopters as a guide. It turned out that part of a building had collapsed and there were two trapped construction workers under the debris. The streets wre swamped with FDNY vehicles, rescue workers, and interested onlookers such as myself.

I worked my way closer and set up camp across the street from the accident site, trying to get a good eyeline into the chaos. Unfortunately there was a hook and ladder truck blocking any view of the scene, so I made sure I was next to the ambulance that was ready to receive whomever they pulled from the rubble.

Some onlookers had gotten to the roof of an adjoing building and were giving us thumbs-up/thumbs-down assessments of the situation. Several news camera-folk that had been wandering around found out how to get up there as well and I could hear news reporters fresh on the scene complain, "How the hell'd they get up there? Frank, find a way up there!"

The guy next to me was pulled aside to do a man-on-the-street interview about the incident. He didn't have much to say and I'm glad they didn't try to question me.

One of the guys on the roof shouted down to us on the street and gave two thumbs-up. "They're OK!"

By this time the cops had arrived to start herding people away from the action, so I figured it was time to call it a morning. I can always watch the highlights and stuff I missed on the news tonight.

There was drama, danger, excitement and the very real possibility of a dead body. Best of all, it was free! And besides, the new Superman movie doesn't come out unti tomorrow. I needed something!

William, it was really nothing

In entertainment news, I have been awarded the role of William in the Jungle Woman of the Jungle play.
Rehearsals start in earnest in July. They are aiming for a late August run of four performances at a TBD Manhattan venue.
Fun fun fun...

Wanna see my hand jive?

I think a great way to start off a story you are about to tell would be to say, "Once upon a time..." and then launch into your tale. Has that ever been done before? Or am I a genius?

Is the Church of Christ, Scientist broken down into specialized branches? I would like to belong to the First Church of Christ, Etymologist.

Sometimes I make up diseases that make me laugh: Semi-colon cancer, Solipsistic fibrosis.

I saw an obese woman on TV who actually said, "It scares me that I might wake up one day and be dead."

Here's a bad joke I made up once: "That girl is so white trash, when I dropped her off after our date I got fined for littering. Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week."

The Father, Son, and the Holy Toast

In 1994, Diane Duyser of Hollywood, FL, made some grilled cheese. After taking a bite she looked down at the sandwhich and saw the Virgin Mary's face staring back at her. She was taken aback by this saintly apparition and kept it for ten years. She believed she had been blessed by the Virgin Mary's appearance on her sandwhich. Miraculously the grilled chese sandwhich never rotted over the years and remains in the same condition as when she first removed it from her stove. The grilled cheese performed a second miracle in 2004 by netting Mrs. Duyser $28,000 when she sold the sandwhich on ebay. I believe the real miracle here is the amount of preservatives in the bread and cheese she used.

I personally think it looks more like Greta Garbo than the Virgin Mary.

In 2005, Machelle and Crysta Nylor of Nebraska opened a bag of Rold Gold Honey Mustard pretzels and discovered a pretzel that looked to them like the Virgin Mary holding the baby Jesus. They sold the 2 inch pretzel on ebay for $10,600.

Again I don't see it. I see a fucked-up treble clef.

In 1996 a manager at a Nashville, TN coffee shop noticed that one of the cinnamon buns he was selling bore a striking resemblance to Mother Teresa. Seven months ago in December of 2005, the infamous "Nun Bun" was stolen! It is feared to have been destroyed by godless heathens.

I DO think this looks like Mother Teresa. Or a Goomba from Super Mario Bros.

The lesson here, I believe, is that people want to see religious icons represented in foodstuff. And they will pay handsomely for it on ebay.

Playacting Again

So, last night I read for a part in Simon's new play, Jungle Woman of the Jungle. As you may recall, Simon was the writer/director of last year's production The Young Romance Play. That was a lot of fun, so when Simon emailed with news about his latest opus, I was eager to participate.

This one has a lot of great characters and is again based on obscure comics from the 50s and 60s, this time various jungle-themed comic books, like Sheena and Tarzan and other really lame characters of that ilk.

Runnin' With The Devil

Tuesday, June 6th, 2006 is the National Day of Slayer.

So crank up some "Reign In Blood" and then go see "The Omen" and read USA Today's interview with Deicide.

Some British mother's-to-be are actually worried of giving birth to the hellspawn.

And the devil's concubine herself, Ann Coulter, is releasing her new book "Godless: The Chruch of Liberalism" on Tuesday.

Gotta love the marketing potential of superstitions and fear...

Have You Seen My Stapler?

I love Staples.

There is one a mere twelve blocks from my apartment, which I only became aware of a month ago. Before this discovery I used to take the bus to the Office Depot at the Atlantic Center, which is three subway stops from my apartment. On a nice day it is walkable, but it is still far enough so that it didn't become a regular destination point. There isn't an OfficeMax anywhere close.

The Staples is a different story.
I go there a lot.

Point of fact is, I am a stationery whore.

I have an almost fetishistic interest in office supplies. Wandering around looking at binders and pens and monthly planners on dry-erase board provides me with a real sense of calm. When I look at a collection of stackable modular cabinets i cannot help but think, in the midst of the chaos of the 21st century, that dammit, we're making headway. Mankind will not be overcome. We have hanging file folders and multi-colored vinyl-coated paper clips.

I can trace this obsession back to the mid-80s and the Mead paper company's introduction of the Trapper Keeper. This new-fangled binder became a talisman of sorts for us fourth graders. Not only did it keep your papers in order (homework and tests you needed to have signed by your parents were always in danger of being ripped or trampled in our rough and tumble world) but there were plastic slots that also held your pencils. It was a status symbol, and the more bells and whistles your Trapper Keeper had, the cooler you were.

As kids we also decorated our pencils with useless items. I remember the fad of collecting pencil grips, little rubber triangles you slid onto your pencils "in order to hold them better". Of course the goal was to fit as many grips onto your pencil as you could, so that your pencil looked like a red-green-and-orange triangular rubber rod.

And to store these pencils and sharpeners and assorted cap erasers (and the ocassional big-haired troll) there were zippered pencil bags. Some were shapped like giant pencils, some were mini-handbags, and some could even be clipped into your binder or Trapper Keeper. Efficency and order!

Even as a young child I was predisposed to the desire to be organized. My mother and grandmother used to love telling me about the time when I was about two or three and my older cousin came to visit. I had a toybox in which I kept my toys. According to them I always would take a single toy out, play with it for awhile, return it to the box, take out another, play with it, return it, etc. I never had more than one toy out at once. My cousin, on the other hand, came over and began taking every toy out of the box in order to decide which ones he would play with. I am told that I had a look of horror on my face like I was witnessing a life-altering tragedy.

In junior high I remember getting my first filing cabinet. Ironically, this did not help keep my room clean. I am a notoriously disorganized individual and have always kept a messy room. For all my enthusiasm for organizational materials, I find myself surrounded by mounds of papers and clothes and stuff. I used the filing cabinet to keep only certain aspects of my life in order, mainly my creative endeavors. Files were dedicated to scripts and comics I was in the process of working on.

So now, many years later, I still like the idea of being organized. I buy things to catalog and arrange my stuff, but somehow am never able to keep on top of it all. That three year old who played with one toy at a time is long gone and I now spend my days fighting through the clutter. If you were to go through my journals of the last twelve years you would probably find a couple hundred entries that talked about needing to put things in order.

But just when it seems to be a lost cause, and I am drowning in receipts and notes and clothes I haven't worn in years, I take a trip to Staples. Maybe I'll buy a 15-sheet capacity, adjustable hole punch with a few two-pocket portfolios with prong fasteners. Or a 100-pack of CD-Rs and a 14-sheet cross-cut paper shredder.

And I will not be as overcome by my life's disarray. Because dammit, I'm making headway.