New York has its fair share of homeless. Trying to ignore or avoid panhandlers is just part of the rhythm of daily life.
Yesterday I saw a homeless kid holding a cardboard sign. On it was scribbled the saddest story I've yet come across:
"Parents killed by ninjas," the sign read. "Need money for kung fu lessons."
Mmm. Tugs at the heartstrings. I gave him a quarter.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
I'm gonna get culturalized!
I've been reading a lot lately, and it occured to me that I should set some sort of quota for myself. Billy Merritt mentioned in class the other day that he used to try to watch a movie a day. He said it's always good to have an arsenal of stories in your head to use in improv scenes. I thought that was a good idea. I always watch several movies a week anyway, so I thought it'd be a cake walk.
To complicate matters, I've decided to also try to read one play a week, one short story a week and one poem a day. Perhaps I'll be able to tackle one short story a day, but I'm giving myself some leeway here.
I thought it would be an interesting undertaking. So I've made February my Culturalizin' Month*.
As my birthday is the 28th, it'll give me something worthwhile to celebrate (rather than one more year under my loosening belt).
And as my brother observed, "Way to pick the shortest month, jackass!"
*(I am not sure whether my movie picks will necessarily fall under the category of "cultural", but I'll make an effort)
To complicate matters, I've decided to also try to read one play a week, one short story a week and one poem a day. Perhaps I'll be able to tackle one short story a day, but I'm giving myself some leeway here.
I thought it would be an interesting undertaking. So I've made February my Culturalizin' Month*.
As my birthday is the 28th, it'll give me something worthwhile to celebrate (rather than one more year under my loosening belt).
And as my brother observed, "Way to pick the shortest month, jackass!"
*(I am not sure whether my movie picks will necessarily fall under the category of "cultural", but I'll make an effort)
Sunday, January 08, 2006
How To Take A 30 Second Shower
One of the many beautiful features of my basement "apartment" is its almost complete lack of hot water. This feature has become a tad more bothersome now that we have progressed into winter. But, adaptation is the key to survival, and I have learned some helpful ways of avoiding the discomfort this lack of hot water causes.
My morning ritual has taken on a sense of urgency, now that I cannot relax in the warm streams of water shooting from a shower nozzle. Our shower has, at best, 30 to 50 seconds of hot water. It then quickly cools, giving us about 7 seconds of lukewarm water before turning to an icy spray.
Because of these conditions, I have drastically altered the way I take a shower. The reason for taking a shower has also changed. I used to take showers or baths to relax. Now it is merely to make sure my balls don't smell.
1. Before even turning the water on, I prepare for the event by soaking my hair under the sink faucet. Now, with a wet head, I apply the shampoo. This prevents the loss of time (and valuable hot water) that is wasted in the lathering process.
2. Next, I step into the shower and locate the bar of soap. (Aimlessly fumbling for the soap could easily knock off 10 seconds, cutting your hot water time down to 20)
3. Now, I turn on the water. I often have to stand aside, as the first blast of agua is scalding hot. If you get used to this level of heat, then the sudden plunge in temperature is more noticable. It is best to keep your body cold, so that the icy water you will feel in 30 seconds, won't be as displeasurable.
4. First things first. I wash the shampoo out of my hair, but at the same time begin lathering my armpits, genitals, and feet. Those are the stinky parts, so they get treated first. If I find I have a few extra seconds of hot water, I will wash my legs, arms and chest, but usually I can skip them. And I do.
5. After I have lathered and rinsed the armpits, genitals, and feet, the water begins to chill rapidly. I will stand under the cooling water in order to lower my body temperature slightly. Since the hot water did not last long enough to warm up the bathroom, I know it is gonna be a bit chilly when I step out of the shower. Better to be ready by making myself uncomfortable before leaving the shower.
6. Now I quickly towel off and turn back to the sink, where I wash my face, brush my teeth, and shave if necessary.
7. Then I stare into the mirror for several minutes and imagine myself relaxing in a jacuzzi tub in a palacial bathroom with heated tile floors and water whose temperature can be adjusted at will.
Some day. Some day.
My morning ritual has taken on a sense of urgency, now that I cannot relax in the warm streams of water shooting from a shower nozzle. Our shower has, at best, 30 to 50 seconds of hot water. It then quickly cools, giving us about 7 seconds of lukewarm water before turning to an icy spray.
Because of these conditions, I have drastically altered the way I take a shower. The reason for taking a shower has also changed. I used to take showers or baths to relax. Now it is merely to make sure my balls don't smell.
1. Before even turning the water on, I prepare for the event by soaking my hair under the sink faucet. Now, with a wet head, I apply the shampoo. This prevents the loss of time (and valuable hot water) that is wasted in the lathering process.
2. Next, I step into the shower and locate the bar of soap. (Aimlessly fumbling for the soap could easily knock off 10 seconds, cutting your hot water time down to 20)
3. Now, I turn on the water. I often have to stand aside, as the first blast of agua is scalding hot. If you get used to this level of heat, then the sudden plunge in temperature is more noticable. It is best to keep your body cold, so that the icy water you will feel in 30 seconds, won't be as displeasurable.
4. First things first. I wash the shampoo out of my hair, but at the same time begin lathering my armpits, genitals, and feet. Those are the stinky parts, so they get treated first. If I find I have a few extra seconds of hot water, I will wash my legs, arms and chest, but usually I can skip them. And I do.
5. After I have lathered and rinsed the armpits, genitals, and feet, the water begins to chill rapidly. I will stand under the cooling water in order to lower my body temperature slightly. Since the hot water did not last long enough to warm up the bathroom, I know it is gonna be a bit chilly when I step out of the shower. Better to be ready by making myself uncomfortable before leaving the shower.
6. Now I quickly towel off and turn back to the sink, where I wash my face, brush my teeth, and shave if necessary.
7. Then I stare into the mirror for several minutes and imagine myself relaxing in a jacuzzi tub in a palacial bathroom with heated tile floors and water whose temperature can be adjusted at will.
Some day. Some day.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
The Enlargement Team
The other day I checked my junk mail box and discovered a transmission from The Enlargement Team. Normally my junk mail is inundated with requests that I increase the size of my equipment, but this wasn’t from just any Joe Schmoe with a penis pump. This was from The Enlargement Team. A team of enlargement! A team of individuals, I presumed, dedicated to the task of enlargement. Nay, a team of superheroes battling for the rights of every citizen to be equally endowed. Like the Justice League of America, they fought inadequate penis size with their brains and brawn.
I opened the message to find out more!
It promised 1-3", Fast and easy! I liked those words.
Guaranteed Results! I was sold. C’mon. The results are GUARANTEED! It says so right there!
But the clincher was a little symbol near the bottom that said, As Seen On TV. This was no scam! This was the real thing! So real, it had been on TV.
This team of enlargement specialists had done their homework. They knew the way into MY pants!. But wait! There’s more…
Two simple words at the bottom: Permanent Growth
Not only would The Enlargement Team help you grow, they guaranteed that the growth would be permanent!
While I am not interested in increasing my own Johnson, I am very excited to read the further adventures of The Enlargement Team. Go Team, go!
I opened the message to find out more!
It promised 1-3", Fast and easy! I liked those words.
Guaranteed Results! I was sold. C’mon. The results are GUARANTEED! It says so right there!
But the clincher was a little symbol near the bottom that said, As Seen On TV. This was no scam! This was the real thing! So real, it had been on TV.
This team of enlargement specialists had done their homework. They knew the way into MY pants!. But wait! There’s more…
Two simple words at the bottom: Permanent Growth
Not only would The Enlargement Team help you grow, they guaranteed that the growth would be permanent!
While I am not interested in increasing my own Johnson, I am very excited to read the further adventures of The Enlargement Team. Go Team, go!
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
The Next Step
Ever since I was eight years old I had wanted to be a filmmaker. I was in second grade and had just seen "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and was telling my mother how I wanted to be an archaeologist and have adventures like Indiana Jones. That was when my mother told me what a director was.
She said, "That's great, but archaeologists don't have adventures like Indiana Jones. They do a lot of research and read a lot of books, but don't battle Nazis with a bullwhip. But I bet the people who made the movie had a lot of fun pretending to have those adventures."
Huh?
She explained who Steven Spielberg was and that he was a director and he made the movie, and then she got out the encyclopedia and showed me a listing on filmmaking. I was bitten by the bug. I spent everyday reading books on Alfred Hitchcock and Charlie Chaplin, and even though I had never seen any of their movies at the time I knew them shot by shot from the descriptions.
Around this time "The Fall Guy" was on TV and I had also become obsessed with stuntwork. As luck would have it, one night at Indian Guides camp (a precursor to the Cub Scouts) they showed us a documentary film of "The Making of Raiders of the Lost Ark". The other kids were disappointed that it was not the actual movie, but I was in heaven. I saw the behind-the-scenes work. Between this documentary and the behind-the-scenes aspect of "The Fall Guy" I was no longer able to watch a movie the same way again. I always wondered about "how" it was constructed. My friends would complain about how cheesy certain movies were, but if it had cool camera-work I would argue endlessly on its behalf.
Throughout school I would plan out little movies and scripts. In junior high my friends and I started making short little videos. I, naturally, crowned myself "director" of anything we did. When I got to high school I said to myself, "I want people to know I am going to be a great director some day. I am going to make movies all the time. When they think of the name Dave Orsborn, they will think of movies." I accomplished this. Everyone who signed my yearbook senior year made some mention of "seeing your name in lights' someday, or "and the Oscar goes to...".
I was on my way.
But something happened after high school. I fell in love.
I no longer was as passionate about movies. I had a new passion: girls. See, I was a geek all through school. I never dated or really interacted with girls, unless I cast them in a movie I was making. I was completely unsure of myself. I'd been told I was "ugly" many times and I just didn't have any confidence in myself. Most people don't have confidence in themselves at that age, but I had even less. So I hid behind a camera.
Once I entered that world of human interaction I was lost. But I didn't want to find my way back necessarily. It was too much fun being able to talk to girls and, oh my God, have sex with them!
I floated around for several years and eventually followed a girlfriend to New Orleans. She dumped me right quick and so I had only one recourse: enroll in some film classes and get my mojo back.
I had become pretty competent at making a decent short film, so I was quickly able to impress the older students and latch on to them for guidance. But I never really challenged myself and kept rehashing old ideas and making films I knew would work.
There was a short film I made called "Potter's Field", and it was fun to make and totally inane and reminded me of the good times I had in high school making videos with my friends. Everyone at school loved the film. I was riding a high and felt smug.
But whenever I would show the film to one of my high school friends, none of them seemed as impressed. They nodded their heads like they were humoring me and said, "Yeah, that's nice."
I was confused. After dropping out of school and moving back to Philadelphia I showed the film to my childhood friend Andy and he too was unimpressed. I asked him why and he gave me the most honest critique.
"Dave," he said. "It's not a bad film. But it's just like everything you did in high school. You were the one from the group that went to film school. We expected to see something better than the crap we made growing up. The next step, man. You didn't move forward."
He was right. I didn't challenge myself. I didn't grow. I was complacent. And I had been for a long time. I didn't get my mojo back. I just plagiarized myself and pretended I still knew what I was doing. but by then, I wasn't sure I even cared anymore.
A roommate of mine in college, who was also in the film program, came home from a film department party one night. I had left the party early and gone to the French Quarter to get wasted and try to get laid. He told me a bunch of my fellow classmates had started talking about who was "going to make it" out of the group. One of them said, "What about Dave? He's got a lot of talent." They all said they thought I would be successful, but my roommate disagreed. He said, "Dave's got a lot of talent, yes. But he's lost his passion. I don't know if he even wants to be successful."
I wanted to punch him in the face, but...he was right.
It's been 14 years since I graduated high school. Since I "lost my way". I'm am not as passionate about film as I once was. I'm not as passionate about anything, really. But damnit, I still have some movies I want to make.
And that's my New Years resolution. To be more passionate. To find my mojo. To be less content. To take the next step.
She said, "That's great, but archaeologists don't have adventures like Indiana Jones. They do a lot of research and read a lot of books, but don't battle Nazis with a bullwhip. But I bet the people who made the movie had a lot of fun pretending to have those adventures."
Huh?
She explained who Steven Spielberg was and that he was a director and he made the movie, and then she got out the encyclopedia and showed me a listing on filmmaking. I was bitten by the bug. I spent everyday reading books on Alfred Hitchcock and Charlie Chaplin, and even though I had never seen any of their movies at the time I knew them shot by shot from the descriptions.
Around this time "The Fall Guy" was on TV and I had also become obsessed with stuntwork. As luck would have it, one night at Indian Guides camp (a precursor to the Cub Scouts) they showed us a documentary film of "The Making of Raiders of the Lost Ark". The other kids were disappointed that it was not the actual movie, but I was in heaven. I saw the behind-the-scenes work. Between this documentary and the behind-the-scenes aspect of "The Fall Guy" I was no longer able to watch a movie the same way again. I always wondered about "how" it was constructed. My friends would complain about how cheesy certain movies were, but if it had cool camera-work I would argue endlessly on its behalf.
Throughout school I would plan out little movies and scripts. In junior high my friends and I started making short little videos. I, naturally, crowned myself "director" of anything we did. When I got to high school I said to myself, "I want people to know I am going to be a great director some day. I am going to make movies all the time. When they think of the name Dave Orsborn, they will think of movies." I accomplished this. Everyone who signed my yearbook senior year made some mention of "seeing your name in lights' someday, or "and the Oscar goes to...".
I was on my way.
But something happened after high school. I fell in love.
I no longer was as passionate about movies. I had a new passion: girls. See, I was a geek all through school. I never dated or really interacted with girls, unless I cast them in a movie I was making. I was completely unsure of myself. I'd been told I was "ugly" many times and I just didn't have any confidence in myself. Most people don't have confidence in themselves at that age, but I had even less. So I hid behind a camera.
Once I entered that world of human interaction I was lost. But I didn't want to find my way back necessarily. It was too much fun being able to talk to girls and, oh my God, have sex with them!
I floated around for several years and eventually followed a girlfriend to New Orleans. She dumped me right quick and so I had only one recourse: enroll in some film classes and get my mojo back.
I had become pretty competent at making a decent short film, so I was quickly able to impress the older students and latch on to them for guidance. But I never really challenged myself and kept rehashing old ideas and making films I knew would work.
There was a short film I made called "Potter's Field", and it was fun to make and totally inane and reminded me of the good times I had in high school making videos with my friends. Everyone at school loved the film. I was riding a high and felt smug.
But whenever I would show the film to one of my high school friends, none of them seemed as impressed. They nodded their heads like they were humoring me and said, "Yeah, that's nice."
I was confused. After dropping out of school and moving back to Philadelphia I showed the film to my childhood friend Andy and he too was unimpressed. I asked him why and he gave me the most honest critique.
"Dave," he said. "It's not a bad film. But it's just like everything you did in high school. You were the one from the group that went to film school. We expected to see something better than the crap we made growing up. The next step, man. You didn't move forward."
He was right. I didn't challenge myself. I didn't grow. I was complacent. And I had been for a long time. I didn't get my mojo back. I just plagiarized myself and pretended I still knew what I was doing. but by then, I wasn't sure I even cared anymore.
A roommate of mine in college, who was also in the film program, came home from a film department party one night. I had left the party early and gone to the French Quarter to get wasted and try to get laid. He told me a bunch of my fellow classmates had started talking about who was "going to make it" out of the group. One of them said, "What about Dave? He's got a lot of talent." They all said they thought I would be successful, but my roommate disagreed. He said, "Dave's got a lot of talent, yes. But he's lost his passion. I don't know if he even wants to be successful."
I wanted to punch him in the face, but...he was right.
It's been 14 years since I graduated high school. Since I "lost my way". I'm am not as passionate about film as I once was. I'm not as passionate about anything, really. But damnit, I still have some movies I want to make.
And that's my New Years resolution. To be more passionate. To find my mojo. To be less content. To take the next step.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Retreads
Where have all the screenwriters in Hollywood gone?
Where are all the fresh ideas?
Since there aren't too many writers working in television now that reality shows have taken over, I figured they'd all be hunkered down over their laptops whipping out spec scripts for "The Great American Movie".
I was wrong. They are securely planted in front of their television sets, watching reruns of old shows and movies, their fingers typing out transcipts of whatever they're viewing. But what the hell, right? As long as some studio will write them a nice check for "Golden Girls: The Motion Picture", why should they bother being creative.
I checked out some "new" movies coming out in 2006:
Miami Vice: What is this all about? I thought Michael Mann was making some pretty decent movies lately. Why has he chosen to rehash the series he created 20 some odd years ago? Feeling nostalgic? Or lazy? And what possesed him to cast Colin Farrell? Sorry Colin, you're no Don Johnson. There's nothing "cool" about you. Until you record a cheesy pop album and start a fasion craze by not wearing socks, you're just the putz in that homoerotic sandal epic.
The A-Team: Much like Starsky and Hutch and The Dukes of Hazzard, this will be a comedic take on a show which is already unintentionally funny. By making it a comedy you're just goofing on something that practically goofs on itself. And that's not very challenging.
Poseidon: I guess we needed a remake of "The Poseidon Adventure". Maybe we can remake all the old disaster pics and update them. How about crossing "The Towering Inferno" with the "Airport" movies and calling it "September 11th"? Bad taste? Yeah, go fuck yourselves. It's probably already been pitched.
The Hills Have Eyes: The first movie sucked. The Hills Have Eyes 2 wasn't much better. But almost 30 years have passed and now Wes Craven is the new "Money-making Master of Horror". (Of course the scariest movie he's made in over 25 years was "Music of the Heart") So he can remake his old soft porn movies if he so chooses. Hell, they've already remade two of John Carpenter's flicks (Assault on Precinct 13 and The Fog) so why the hell not?
The Pink Panther: Steve Martin is a truly funny individual. His writing is hysterical, he's a brilliant actor when he wants to be, so why do we have to watch him fuck Peter Sellers' corpse. It's bad enough we had to suffer through two movies with Queen Latifah. Not funny Steve.
Charlotte's Web: Just because CG is available now, do we have to remake old cartoons? They did the same with Curious George. Look, they've already had a CG talking pig movie. It was called "Babe".
The Evil Dead: O.K. Now I'm pissed. Don't remake the classics! Sam Raimi is so hot with the Spiderman movies now, the studios are letting him remake this gem. However, Sam will not be directing it himself, but will be giving the reigns over to some neophyte. Please Sam, don't do it! Unless, of course, that neophyte director is me. Cuz, like, I could do a really swell job. In fact, I shot my own version back in high school and I thought it came out pretty good. I could send you a copyif you want. No, seriously, I'm down with this. Let me know. We'll do lunch.
And let us not forget the glut of sequels coming our way (most for movies they don't deserve it at all): Big Momma's House 2, Underworld:Evolution, Final Destination 3, Ice Age 2, Basic Instinct 2, Scary Movie 4, Mission: Impossible 3, X-Men 3, Garfield 2, Clerks 2, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, The Omen 666, Superman Returns (though this is essentially a remake of the first one I think), Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Rush Hour 3, Jackass 2, The Grudge 2, Saw 3, The Santa Clause 3, Creepshow 3, House of the Dead 2, The Punisher 2, Resident Evil: Afterlife, Sin City 2, Terminator 4, etc.
I am, however, happy to see that one of my favorite books as a kid is finally going to grace the silver screen: How To Eat Fried Worms
Where are all the fresh ideas?
Since there aren't too many writers working in television now that reality shows have taken over, I figured they'd all be hunkered down over their laptops whipping out spec scripts for "The Great American Movie".
I was wrong. They are securely planted in front of their television sets, watching reruns of old shows and movies, their fingers typing out transcipts of whatever they're viewing. But what the hell, right? As long as some studio will write them a nice check for "Golden Girls: The Motion Picture", why should they bother being creative.
I checked out some "new" movies coming out in 2006:
Miami Vice: What is this all about? I thought Michael Mann was making some pretty decent movies lately. Why has he chosen to rehash the series he created 20 some odd years ago? Feeling nostalgic? Or lazy? And what possesed him to cast Colin Farrell? Sorry Colin, you're no Don Johnson. There's nothing "cool" about you. Until you record a cheesy pop album and start a fasion craze by not wearing socks, you're just the putz in that homoerotic sandal epic.
The A-Team: Much like Starsky and Hutch and The Dukes of Hazzard, this will be a comedic take on a show which is already unintentionally funny. By making it a comedy you're just goofing on something that practically goofs on itself. And that's not very challenging.
Poseidon: I guess we needed a remake of "The Poseidon Adventure". Maybe we can remake all the old disaster pics and update them. How about crossing "The Towering Inferno" with the "Airport" movies and calling it "September 11th"? Bad taste? Yeah, go fuck yourselves. It's probably already been pitched.
The Hills Have Eyes: The first movie sucked. The Hills Have Eyes 2 wasn't much better. But almost 30 years have passed and now Wes Craven is the new "Money-making Master of Horror". (Of course the scariest movie he's made in over 25 years was "Music of the Heart") So he can remake his old soft porn movies if he so chooses. Hell, they've already remade two of John Carpenter's flicks (Assault on Precinct 13 and The Fog) so why the hell not?
The Pink Panther: Steve Martin is a truly funny individual. His writing is hysterical, he's a brilliant actor when he wants to be, so why do we have to watch him fuck Peter Sellers' corpse. It's bad enough we had to suffer through two movies with Queen Latifah. Not funny Steve.
Charlotte's Web: Just because CG is available now, do we have to remake old cartoons? They did the same with Curious George. Look, they've already had a CG talking pig movie. It was called "Babe".
The Evil Dead: O.K. Now I'm pissed. Don't remake the classics! Sam Raimi is so hot with the Spiderman movies now, the studios are letting him remake this gem. However, Sam will not be directing it himself, but will be giving the reigns over to some neophyte. Please Sam, don't do it! Unless, of course, that neophyte director is me. Cuz, like, I could do a really swell job. In fact, I shot my own version back in high school and I thought it came out pretty good. I could send you a copyif you want. No, seriously, I'm down with this. Let me know. We'll do lunch.
And let us not forget the glut of sequels coming our way (most for movies they don't deserve it at all): Big Momma's House 2, Underworld:Evolution, Final Destination 3, Ice Age 2, Basic Instinct 2, Scary Movie 4, Mission: Impossible 3, X-Men 3, Garfield 2, Clerks 2, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, The Omen 666, Superman Returns (though this is essentially a remake of the first one I think), Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Rush Hour 3, Jackass 2, The Grudge 2, Saw 3, The Santa Clause 3, Creepshow 3, House of the Dead 2, The Punisher 2, Resident Evil: Afterlife, Sin City 2, Terminator 4, etc.
I am, however, happy to see that one of my favorite books as a kid is finally going to grace the silver screen: How To Eat Fried Worms
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