How To Take A 30 Second Shower

One of the many beautiful features of my basement "apartment" is its almost complete lack of hot water. This feature has become a tad more bothersome now that we have progressed into winter. But, adaptation is the key to survival, and I have learned some helpful ways of avoiding the discomfort this lack of hot water causes.

My morning ritual has taken on a sense of urgency, now that I cannot relax in the warm streams of water shooting from a shower nozzle. Our shower has, at best, 30 to 50 seconds of hot water. It then quickly cools, giving us about 7 seconds of lukewarm water before turning to an icy spray.

Because of these conditions, I have drastically altered the way I take a shower. The reason for taking a shower has also changed. I used to take showers or baths to relax. Now it is merely to make sure my balls don't smell.

1. Before even turning the water on, I prepare for the event by soaking my hair under the sink faucet. Now, with a wet head, I apply the shampoo. This prevents the loss of time (and valuable hot water) that is wasted in the lathering process.

2. Next, I step into the shower and locate the bar of soap. (Aimlessly fumbling for the soap could easily knock off 10 seconds, cutting your hot water time down to 20)

3. Now, I turn on the water. I often have to stand aside, as the first blast of agua is scalding hot. If you get used to this level of heat, then the sudden plunge in temperature is more noticable. It is best to keep your body cold, so that the icy water you will feel in 30 seconds, won't be as displeasurable.

4. First things first. I wash the shampoo out of my hair, but at the same time begin lathering my armpits, genitals, and feet. Those are the stinky parts, so they get treated first. If I find I have a few extra seconds of hot water, I will wash my legs, arms and chest, but usually I can skip them. And I do.

5. After I have lathered and rinsed the armpits, genitals, and feet, the water begins to chill rapidly. I will stand under the cooling water in order to lower my body temperature slightly. Since the hot water did not last long enough to warm up the bathroom, I know it is gonna be a bit chilly when I step out of the shower. Better to be ready by making myself uncomfortable before leaving the shower.

6. Now I quickly towel off and turn back to the sink, where I wash my face, brush my teeth, and shave if necessary.

7. Then I stare into the mirror for several minutes and imagine myself relaxing in a jacuzzi tub in a palacial bathroom with heated tile floors and water whose temperature can be adjusted at will.

Some day. Some day.