Retreads

Where have all the screenwriters in Hollywood gone?
Where are all the fresh ideas?
Since there aren't too many writers working in television now that reality shows have taken over, I figured they'd all be hunkered down over their laptops whipping out spec scripts for "The Great American Movie".

I was wrong. They are securely planted in front of their television sets, watching reruns of old shows and movies, their fingers typing out transcipts of whatever they're viewing. But what the hell, right? As long as some studio will write them a nice check for "Golden Girls: The Motion Picture", why should they bother being creative.

I checked out some "new" movies coming out in 2006:

Miami Vice: What is this all about? I thought Michael Mann was making some pretty decent movies lately. Why has he chosen to rehash the series he created 20 some odd years ago? Feeling nostalgic? Or lazy? And what possesed him to cast Colin Farrell? Sorry Colin, you're no Don Johnson. There's nothing "cool" about you. Until you record a cheesy pop album and start a fasion craze by not wearing socks, you're just the putz in that homoerotic sandal epic.

The A-Team: Much like Starsky and Hutch and The Dukes of Hazzard, this will be a comedic take on a show which is already unintentionally funny. By making it a comedy you're just goofing on something that practically goofs on itself. And that's not very challenging.

Poseidon: I guess we needed a remake of "The Poseidon Adventure". Maybe we can remake all the old disaster pics and update them. How about crossing "The Towering Inferno" with the "Airport" movies and calling it "September 11th"? Bad taste? Yeah, go fuck yourselves. It's probably already been pitched.

The Hills Have Eyes: The first movie sucked. The Hills Have Eyes 2 wasn't much better. But almost 30 years have passed and now Wes Craven is the new "Money-making Master of Horror". (Of course the scariest movie he's made in over 25 years was "Music of the Heart") So he can remake his old soft porn movies if he so chooses. Hell, they've already remade two of John Carpenter's flicks (Assault on Precinct 13 and The Fog) so why the hell not?

The Pink Panther: Steve Martin is a truly funny individual. His writing is hysterical, he's a brilliant actor when he wants to be, so why do we have to watch him fuck Peter Sellers' corpse. It's bad enough we had to suffer through two movies with Queen Latifah. Not funny Steve.

Charlotte's Web: Just because CG is available now, do we have to remake old cartoons? They did the same with Curious George. Look, they've already had a CG talking pig movie. It was called "Babe".

The Evil Dead: O.K. Now I'm pissed. Don't remake the classics! Sam Raimi is so hot with the Spiderman movies now, the studios are letting him remake this gem. However, Sam will not be directing it himself, but will be giving the reigns over to some neophyte. Please Sam, don't do it! Unless, of course, that neophyte director is me. Cuz, like, I could do a really swell job. In fact, I shot my own version back in high school and I thought it came out pretty good. I could send you a copyif you want. No, seriously, I'm down with this. Let me know. We'll do lunch.

And let us not forget the glut of sequels coming our way (most for movies they don't deserve it at all): Big Momma's House 2, Underworld:Evolution, Final Destination 3, Ice Age 2, Basic Instinct 2, Scary Movie 4, Mission: Impossible 3, X-Men 3, Garfield 2, Clerks 2, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, The Omen 666, Superman Returns (though this is essentially a remake of the first one I think), Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Rush Hour 3, Jackass 2, The Grudge 2, Saw 3, The Santa Clause 3, Creepshow 3, House of the Dead 2, The Punisher 2, Resident Evil: Afterlife, Sin City 2, Terminator 4, etc.

I am, however, happy to see that one of my favorite books as a kid is finally going to grace the silver screen: How To Eat Fried Worms