I'm quite sure this has been a topic covered in someone's stand-up material, but I have to mention it.
It's 2007.
You do not need to leave instructions on how to leave a message on your answering machine or voicemail. We know how to. So unless you're expecting a call from someone who just woke from a 20 year coma, "I'm not in, leave a message" will suffice.
We do not need to be instructed that there will be a beep and we should begin our message after it.
We do not need to be told to leave our name, number, and reason for calling. This is common practice now. If we really want you to call us back, we'll leave all pertinent information.
Some cellular companies also provide this extraneous information as part of their voicemail system, so after I've listened to you ramble on about how to properly leave a message, I have to hear an automated female voice reiterate the same crap.
And by that point I've eaten up a good chunk of minutes on my cell phone and am seriously debating whether I should waste more airtime to leave you a proper message or just hang up.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Big Dork Weekend
I went to the NYComicon this weekend. I bought a lot of comic books and graphic novels, sat in on a few horror movie discussion panels, I even (*gasp*) got a poster signed. (In my defense, it's a poster for Hostel 2 that Heather Matarazzo, Richard Burgi and Eli Roth were signing and giving away. I didn't seek them out to sign it.)
Anyway, I let my inner geek come out to play, and he had a relatively good time.
I passed this one booth where a guy was selling bootlegged DVDs of complete crap. But on a quick perusal of his wares, I thought, "maybe this guy has some interesting hard-to-find stuff".
"Can I help ya pal?"
"Do you have Mr. Mike's Mondo Video?"
"Wha-who?"
"Nevermind, " I said, and started walking away.
"Whoa! Hold it! You just hit me with a thing I never hearda. I mean what is this? This lady here," he said pointing to a woman behind him. "She comes at me with this obscure TV show and now you pull this rabbit outta nowhere. Like a one-two punch and I'm K-O'd. Jeez..."
"It's a movie that one of the original Saturday Night Live writers..."
"Oh! SNL. I got that! SNL Season 1 right over here."
"Yes. I see. You've got a lot of wonderful bootleg copies of things you can find in any store on the planet," I said picking up a bootleg DVD of Kill Bill Vol. 1, the faded home printer-made insert looking even more amateurish upon closer inspection.
"I mean, really, what are you offering?" I asked. "I thought you might have some rarities of some sort. Ya know, maybe in that stack of Star Wars DVD rips, you'll have a copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special or something. I mean, at least the Chinese woman selling bootleg DVDs on the subway has bootlegs of movies still in the theater. What's the point of a bootleg if it's something you can find in any store for less than what you're charging?"
(The Kill Bill Vol. 1 DVD I was holding was selling for $25. You can buy a proper edition of the film at Target or Best Buy for $12.99!)
I left him to think about that and wandered over to the gaming area, where they had tables set up for people to play a variety of roleplaying games. Along the wall of the room were booths where various people were doling out autographs. In one corner, sitting all by himself looking sullen, was Gary Coleman. There was no one in line to get his autograph. I thought about asking him to sign the one sheet I picked up for the new David Fincher film Zodiac.
"I ain't in Zodiac, man!"
"But it'd be cooler if you were! 'Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Zodiac Killer?' Sign it like that!"
Alas, I didn't.
I eventually ran into my co-worker John and we spent the rest of the day checking out the horror panels for Hostel: Part 2, The Hills Have Eyes 2, and the Showtime series Masters of Horror.
Also swung by the Pokemon booth to say hello to Sarah, who was signing autographs for kids and creepy old men. (She does the voice for the character Ash on the show).
And now I shall finish this weekend of dorkdom by watching the Oscars.
And then working 8 hours loading footage of the damn things for a daytime talk show's Oscar Night wrap-up.
Anyway, I let my inner geek come out to play, and he had a relatively good time.
I passed this one booth where a guy was selling bootlegged DVDs of complete crap. But on a quick perusal of his wares, I thought, "maybe this guy has some interesting hard-to-find stuff".
"Can I help ya pal?"
"Do you have Mr. Mike's Mondo Video?"
"Wha-who?"
"Nevermind, " I said, and started walking away.
"Whoa! Hold it! You just hit me with a thing I never hearda. I mean what is this? This lady here," he said pointing to a woman behind him. "She comes at me with this obscure TV show and now you pull this rabbit outta nowhere. Like a one-two punch and I'm K-O'd. Jeez..."
"It's a movie that one of the original Saturday Night Live writers..."
"Oh! SNL. I got that! SNL Season 1 right over here."
"Yes. I see. You've got a lot of wonderful bootleg copies of things you can find in any store on the planet," I said picking up a bootleg DVD of Kill Bill Vol. 1, the faded home printer-made insert looking even more amateurish upon closer inspection.
"I mean, really, what are you offering?" I asked. "I thought you might have some rarities of some sort. Ya know, maybe in that stack of Star Wars DVD rips, you'll have a copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special or something. I mean, at least the Chinese woman selling bootleg DVDs on the subway has bootlegs of movies still in the theater. What's the point of a bootleg if it's something you can find in any store for less than what you're charging?"
(The Kill Bill Vol. 1 DVD I was holding was selling for $25. You can buy a proper edition of the film at Target or Best Buy for $12.99!)
I left him to think about that and wandered over to the gaming area, where they had tables set up for people to play a variety of roleplaying games. Along the wall of the room were booths where various people were doling out autographs. In one corner, sitting all by himself looking sullen, was Gary Coleman. There was no one in line to get his autograph. I thought about asking him to sign the one sheet I picked up for the new David Fincher film Zodiac.
"I ain't in Zodiac, man!"
"But it'd be cooler if you were! 'Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Zodiac Killer?' Sign it like that!"
Alas, I didn't.
I eventually ran into my co-worker John and we spent the rest of the day checking out the horror panels for Hostel: Part 2, The Hills Have Eyes 2, and the Showtime series Masters of Horror.
Also swung by the Pokemon booth to say hello to Sarah, who was signing autographs for kids and creepy old men. (She does the voice for the character Ash on the show).
And now I shall finish this weekend of dorkdom by watching the Oscars.
And then working 8 hours loading footage of the damn things for a daytime talk show's Oscar Night wrap-up.
Friday, February 23, 2007
What's Bugging Me
Farts that don't come out the way you'd expect them too. Particularly those sneaky ones that crawl forward and tickle your taint. You can feel these little fart bubbles trundle out and get trapped beneath you, and maybe a few scouts will sneak up and explore around your balls (if you're a man. I'm sure women experience this too, sans ball excursion). And then they just sit there for awhile. Taunting you. Making you wiggle and squirm, attempting to pop these little stink blisters.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Cheesy Wedding Video
I shot my friend Chris' wedding last year and I never got around to editing it. His wife has hounded me about it for the last year. I apologize. I'm a slacker.
Anyway, as I was putting the video together I decided to do something cheesy and fun with the footage. Sort of as a bonus feature for their DVD.
Wedding videos are pretty well-traveled ground, so this was just an exercise to keep me from getting too bored as I was editing the real thing.
Anyway, as I was putting the video together I decided to do something cheesy and fun with the footage. Sort of as a bonus feature for their DVD.
Wedding videos are pretty well-traveled ground, so this was just an exercise to keep me from getting too bored as I was editing the real thing.
Friday, February 16, 2007
The Trappings of Midget Bowling
There, there, young Finn
Your neatly ironed curtains are far too thin
And the pineapple of your mother
Has taught you to never feed a Swede
Ohmigosh, the cat has jumped its bail
Now everyone can own a copy of
Uncle Seamus’ bagpipe records
And you thought whistling Dixie
Was an innocent way
To earn your wooden nickels
Lo and lo, the doughboy sings
His wretched tale,
But the creeping custard
Buys some time for Wily William Walker’s
Plan to highjack rickshaws
Run, Chinaman, run!
And bring us to the setting sun
Where elephant boys in coats of dreams
Sautee themselves in rocky streams.
Your neatly ironed curtains are far too thin
And the pineapple of your mother
Has taught you to never feed a Swede
Ohmigosh, the cat has jumped its bail
Now everyone can own a copy of
Uncle Seamus’ bagpipe records
And you thought whistling Dixie
Was an innocent way
To earn your wooden nickels
Lo and lo, the doughboy sings
His wretched tale,
But the creeping custard
Buys some time for Wily William Walker’s
Plan to highjack rickshaws
Run, Chinaman, run!
And bring us to the setting sun
Where elephant boys in coats of dreams
Sautee themselves in rocky streams.
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