Questionnaire

So over the years I've gotten a lot of those e-mail questionnaires that people send around to find out about their friends' favorite colors and type of car they'd like to have.

I've only filled one out once, about 3 1/2 years ago. I thought my answers were pretty fun, as did my brother, who was recently cleaning out his email folders and came across that questionnaire and resent it to me.

Incidentally, after reading my answers, the girl who had originally emailed the thing to me, suggested that I should look into going into therapy.

So here they are (c)2002:

1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT?

a shotgun apartment in uptown new orleans, with a
practicing witch for a roommate.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

a biography of michael o'donoghue, "the man who made
comedy dangerous" according to the book cover. he was
a writer for national lampoon magazine and the
original saturday night live.

3.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSEMAT?

don't have a computer, much less a "mouse mat". that's
too bourgeoise.

4. FAVOURITE BOARD GAME?

I used to love the MAD magazine game, in which your
goal is to lose all your money and go broke (a feat
I've accomplished in my real life), but I still love
Trivial Pursuit.

5. FAVOURITE MAGAZINE

right now, Creative Screenwriting

6. FAVOURITE SMELLS?

puke, piss, shit, and stale alcohol. hell, that's why
i live in new orleans.

7. FAVOURITE SOUND?

"two bricks being bashed together"

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?

the realization that you can't connect with any single
person on a fulfilling and meaningful level and your
days will be lived out alone and angry at the world. i
mean, that would suck, right, i mean, not that i know
what that feeling is like, cuz i'm like, uh, real
happy and stuff.

9. WHAT IS THE 1ST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE
UP IN THE MORNING?

you mean i'm not dead yet?

10. FAVOURITE COLOUR?

i'm color blind you assholes

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?

i usually don't wait for it to ring. i sit in my house
and pick up the phone over and over again,
"hello.(click) hello.(click) hello.(click) hello."
sometimes there's someone there.

12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?

Kid.

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?

being on time for your death.

14. FAVOURITE FOODS?

sushi, grilled stuft burritos from taco bell...

15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?

vanilla with chocolate syrup, or chocolate with
vanilla syrup.

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?

what's the rush?

17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?

yeah, my last girlfriend, ba-dum-bum. ah, no.

18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY?

cool

19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?

a banana-colored Plymouth Horizon


20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE?

Groucho Marx

21. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?

whatever does the job.

22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?

pisces

23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?

yup.

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT
BE?

a journalist for the Weekly World News. I want to blow
the lid off of Batboy's secret life as a CIA op. I
smell Pulitzer!

25. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOUR?

i'm running out of time, but i would go for grey, so
then i would feel that i've progressed naturally to
the bald stage.

26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

falling in love is the most masochistic thing you can
do and i'm a sucker for punishment. as my friend melissa
told me last christmas, "you love being in love dave."
it's only through pain that we know we're alive.

27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?

i hate to get into semantics, but is half-empty
possible?

28. FAVOURITE MOVIES:

the big lebowski, goodfellas, jacob's ladder, the
'burbs, texas chainsaw massacre, evil dead trilogy,
dead alive, fear and loathing in las vegas, catch-22,
the graduate, etc, etc. i could go on for days listing
movies.


29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?

fingers? you use your fingers to type? hmm. that would
explain the strange looks i've been getting. better
put this away...

30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?

i should probably look under there sometime. we used
to have another cat.

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER?

i've always been partial to the googleplex myself.

32. FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH:

i fucking hate sports.

33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS
TO YOU.

she left a good night message on my answering machine
the other night after we'd been hanging out and that
was really sweet and cool and it made me happy.

34. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO
RESPOND?

if i write their name i guess they have to reply then

35. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO
RETURN IT:

you know who you are and you suck..

36. WHAT CD (OR TAPE) DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR STEREO RIGHT
NOW?

AMFM, "getting into sinking"

37. FAVOURITE TV SHOW?

since i only get Fox and NBC on my TV my selections
are rather limited, but of course The Simpsons. when i
get to see cable at a friends' i like South Park
(which has been in top form lately) and The Daily
Show. and the occassional cultural trainwreck on Fox:
Celebrity Boxing, The Glutton Bowl, etc.


38. EARLIEST MEMORY?

My earliest memory is a recurring nightmare I had as a
child in which my mother was driving my siblings and I
to our grandparents' and she gets sucked out of the
car on the highway and I have to take control of the
car and drive my brother and sister and I the rest of
the way to my grandparents' house.

39. DO YOU CRY AT THE MOVIES?

I'll get choked up at really lame movies, like
"backdraft". when kurt russell yells "that's my
brother, goddamnit!" as william baldwin fights the
flames, i felt that lump in my throat and thought i
was gonna lose it.

39. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY CAR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

when i was a kid my friend's dad had an old
Astin-Healy sitting in the garage and we used to play
in it and pretend we were driving it. i really liked
that car. the family up the street had a delorean and
that was cool too because it never rusts.


40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE GROUP OR BAND?

the mothers of invention

42. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE TIME OF THE YEAR?

early autmn


43. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL, WHERE WOULD YOU GO?

everywhere.

44. IF YOU COULD BE THE PRESIDENT OR CEO OF ANY CO.,
WHAT
COMPANY WOULD IT BE?

the biggest company of them all, the united states of
america, hell if you're gonna dream, dream big

45. MONEY OR HAPPINESS?

money. to pay off the vultures that come picking at
you and your silly dreams of happiness.