I almost got run over on the way back from lunch this afternoon.
By a Sport Utility Stroller.
These new strollers are crazy. They're huge and pimped out like you wouldn't believe. They've got shocks, rear wheel suspension, anti-lock brakes, the whole nine yards. This one today had huge monster truck tires, and the mother could care less about the pedestrians in her path. It had compartments for everything from bottles and diapers to mini audio visual units. I'm pretty sure the kid in this stroller was watching "The Incredibles" on DVD as he zoomed past me.
The strollers my siblings and I had growing up were nowhere near this cool.
They consisted of a flower-print piece of canvas with two poles and four shopping cart tires. And if you didn't step hard on the locking bar on the back of the stroller, it would fold up on you when you sat in it.
Kids these days...they don't know how hard we had it in the 70s...
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Monday, September 19, 2005
Day 20
It's mustache month. And I have worn a mustache for the last 20 days.
The others who wanted to partake in this endeavor wimped out from the get-go, so I have gone it alone.
I have gotten many strange looks and heard many varying comments.
"You look like a 70s porn star."
"You don't look a sleazy as I would have expected."
"'My Name Is Earl'? Should be 'My Name Is Dave'."
"That's pretty hot."
"That's pretty gross."
"What is up with the mustache?"
"When are you gonna shave that thing off?"
"You've got a catapillar on your lip."
"Why do you have a mustache?"
"Your mustache is red? Why is it red?"
"Is this some kind of bet?"
"Did you have to register that thing with a Sex Offenders Website?"
"Seriously, what is up with the mustache?!"
I went to lunch last week with a friend and made no mention of the fact that I had a mustache for most of the time. I noticed she kept looking at it inquisitively, as if it might suddenly reveal its reason for being.
Halfway through our meal I said, "So I grew this mustache as part of a deal I had made with some guys at work."
She breathed a sigh of relief, "I was wondering what was going on! People just don't grow mustaches these days because they like them."
I then explained that everyone else chickened out, but that I am determined to stick it out, regardless. Because I am committed. Committed to the 'stache!
And I've grown rather fond of it over the last several weeks.
I've definitely gotten more looks from women on the street. Granted, they are mostly looks of disgust, but even a look of complete bewilderment and nausea is better than not being noticed at all.
*(There are pictures to post, whenever I am able to get some sort of internet service at home. Hopefully in a week or two. Be forewarned...)
The others who wanted to partake in this endeavor wimped out from the get-go, so I have gone it alone.
I have gotten many strange looks and heard many varying comments.
"You look like a 70s porn star."
"You don't look a sleazy as I would have expected."
"'My Name Is Earl'? Should be 'My Name Is Dave'."
"That's pretty hot."
"That's pretty gross."
"What is up with the mustache?"
"When are you gonna shave that thing off?"
"You've got a catapillar on your lip."
"Why do you have a mustache?"
"Your mustache is red? Why is it red?"
"Is this some kind of bet?"
"Did you have to register that thing with a Sex Offenders Website?"
"Seriously, what is up with the mustache?!"
I went to lunch last week with a friend and made no mention of the fact that I had a mustache for most of the time. I noticed she kept looking at it inquisitively, as if it might suddenly reveal its reason for being.
Halfway through our meal I said, "So I grew this mustache as part of a deal I had made with some guys at work."
She breathed a sigh of relief, "I was wondering what was going on! People just don't grow mustaches these days because they like them."
I then explained that everyone else chickened out, but that I am determined to stick it out, regardless. Because I am committed. Committed to the 'stache!
And I've grown rather fond of it over the last several weeks.
I've definitely gotten more looks from women on the street. Granted, they are mostly looks of disgust, but even a look of complete bewilderment and nausea is better than not being noticed at all.
*(There are pictures to post, whenever I am able to get some sort of internet service at home. Hopefully in a week or two. Be forewarned...)
Time Warner Raped My Wife And Sold My Infant Son Into White Slavery
O.K. Some clarification perhaps.
I do not have a wife. But if I did, I'm sure they would.
Also, my infant son is non-existant, but were he to in fact be a reality, I would not put it past the folks at Time Warner to sell him into white slavery. I'm certain they have the means, and I wouldn't put it past them to try it.
Why do I think this?
Because Time Warner is a soulless coropration, hell bent on gobbling up every company and citizen in its way.
And because they won't hook up my cable internet.
Wait.
They WILL hook up my internet, but if I go through them I will not have a home from which to access said intenet.
Allow me to explain (it gets kinda complicated, so forgive me):
I have had Time Warner cable internet for the last two years. Aside from almost monthly service disruptions, it has been a fairly peaceful co-existence.
I moved last month and contacted them to switch my internet over to the new apartment. As with any behemoth of a corporation I've had to run a gauntlet of red tape and bullshit in order for this switch to take place. They arranged to have someone come out last friday to do the switch. The appointment was scheduled between 2-6pm.
They arrived at 6:05.
After a cursory search of the premises, the installer concluded that he could not in fact install the internet connection.
Because our apartment was not "registered" with Time Warner.
Hmmm.
I called the following day to find out what it would take to "register" this apartment and get the cable hooked up. And just how long would it take? I asked. They told me they had to send out a real estate inspector to confirm that it is indeed an apartment and then they could get the ball rolling. They told me this could take about 3 weeks.
What?!
Not only was I upset about the length of time it would take to get me up and running, but I was also worried about being evicted.
Further expalnation is needed:
I live in a basement apartment. Only, it is not actually an apartment. For zoning purposes it is considered a "storage space". My brother and I signed a lease for a storage space and are not "technically" supposed to be living there. This was done to protect my landlord, who does not have a license to rent the space out as an apartment.
This situation is not the best, but it should not be a problem, and the landlord is cool and wouldn't throw us out.
Unless Time Warner gets the New York Real Estate Board to start poking its nose into things and fines our landlord.
All this trouble because I want to use the internet from my home.
Bastards.
So I cancelled my service and am in the process of finding another provider.
Which is damn near impossible because Time Warner is a monopoly. And they like to rape people and sell children into slavery.
Note: I do have friends who work for TW and I don't think they'd rape people and sell children into slavery, but who knows what kind of mind control the company may exert over its employees?
"We were only following orders," they might say.
Stop the beast before it eats your soul!
I do not have a wife. But if I did, I'm sure they would.
Also, my infant son is non-existant, but were he to in fact be a reality, I would not put it past the folks at Time Warner to sell him into white slavery. I'm certain they have the means, and I wouldn't put it past them to try it.
Why do I think this?
Because Time Warner is a soulless coropration, hell bent on gobbling up every company and citizen in its way.
And because they won't hook up my cable internet.
Wait.
They WILL hook up my internet, but if I go through them I will not have a home from which to access said intenet.
Allow me to explain (it gets kinda complicated, so forgive me):
I have had Time Warner cable internet for the last two years. Aside from almost monthly service disruptions, it has been a fairly peaceful co-existence.
I moved last month and contacted them to switch my internet over to the new apartment. As with any behemoth of a corporation I've had to run a gauntlet of red tape and bullshit in order for this switch to take place. They arranged to have someone come out last friday to do the switch. The appointment was scheduled between 2-6pm.
They arrived at 6:05.
After a cursory search of the premises, the installer concluded that he could not in fact install the internet connection.
Because our apartment was not "registered" with Time Warner.
Hmmm.
I called the following day to find out what it would take to "register" this apartment and get the cable hooked up. And just how long would it take? I asked. They told me they had to send out a real estate inspector to confirm that it is indeed an apartment and then they could get the ball rolling. They told me this could take about 3 weeks.
What?!
Not only was I upset about the length of time it would take to get me up and running, but I was also worried about being evicted.
Further expalnation is needed:
I live in a basement apartment. Only, it is not actually an apartment. For zoning purposes it is considered a "storage space". My brother and I signed a lease for a storage space and are not "technically" supposed to be living there. This was done to protect my landlord, who does not have a license to rent the space out as an apartment.
This situation is not the best, but it should not be a problem, and the landlord is cool and wouldn't throw us out.
Unless Time Warner gets the New York Real Estate Board to start poking its nose into things and fines our landlord.
All this trouble because I want to use the internet from my home.
Bastards.
So I cancelled my service and am in the process of finding another provider.
Which is damn near impossible because Time Warner is a monopoly. And they like to rape people and sell children into slavery.
Note: I do have friends who work for TW and I don't think they'd rape people and sell children into slavery, but who knows what kind of mind control the company may exert over its employees?
"We were only following orders," they might say.
Stop the beast before it eats your soul!
Friday, September 09, 2005
Subterranean Homesick Blues
I realize I spend a good portion of my day underground.
Between living in a basement apartment and riding the subway around town everyday, I am somewhat of a underground dweller.
This morning I awoke to discover my apartment was flooding.
There was no rain. I thought perhaps, the shower caused the water to leak into my living room, but it has not stopped and the shower has not run for several hours. My brother figures it is coming from a broken pipe in the utility room.
I am at work and he is trying to take care of it all. The landlord doesn't seem to be in a rush to fix it.
Kinda like the government not being in a rush to fix the flooding in New Orleans, only on a smaller and less-grim scale.
The lesson here is: Stay away from basement apartments. If you smell something mildewy when you check out an apartment, don't rent it, they've obviously had flooding problems before.
When I was in high school there was a show on TV called "Parker Lewis Can't Lose". My friend Andy used to say there should be a show called "Dave Orsborn Can't Win". The guys in my homeroom would eagerly await the next "episode" every morning, as I inevitably had some new shit story to share about my life. It began to be rather amusing.
Looks like the show has been picked up for one more season...
Between living in a basement apartment and riding the subway around town everyday, I am somewhat of a underground dweller.
This morning I awoke to discover my apartment was flooding.
There was no rain. I thought perhaps, the shower caused the water to leak into my living room, but it has not stopped and the shower has not run for several hours. My brother figures it is coming from a broken pipe in the utility room.
I am at work and he is trying to take care of it all. The landlord doesn't seem to be in a rush to fix it.
Kinda like the government not being in a rush to fix the flooding in New Orleans, only on a smaller and less-grim scale.
The lesson here is: Stay away from basement apartments. If you smell something mildewy when you check out an apartment, don't rent it, they've obviously had flooding problems before.
When I was in high school there was a show on TV called "Parker Lewis Can't Lose". My friend Andy used to say there should be a show called "Dave Orsborn Can't Win". The guys in my homeroom would eagerly await the next "episode" every morning, as I inevitably had some new shit story to share about my life. It began to be rather amusing.
Looks like the show has been picked up for one more season...
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Doing Very Well Here At The Astrodome
Former First Lady, Barbara Bush, has recently come under attack for her remarks about the evacuees from New Orleans "doing very well" in the Houston Astrodome. Her remarks seem to be another example of the rich being insulated from the world around them and having only moments of forced empathy for their fellow man.
However, the media has spun this completely out of control. We are only given part of the story. If you look at Mrs. Bush's full statement you will see that she makes a compelling argument.
As reported, the president's mother and former First Lady said in an interview, "...And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this--this is working very well for them."
Babs went on to say, "Seriously, these people will be living in these seats for a month, maybe more. That's like having season tickets. And they're getting them for free! We all know how much money companies and individuals shell out for good seats here at the 'Dome. In fact, this little negro child my husband is hugging for the cameras is currently residing in Row F Seat 32. And you wouldn't believe the view he has! You've got to really be connected to get seats like that! And we're letting them stay there for free."
At that point, Mrs. Bush grabbed an unsuspecting African American child by her corn rows and pulled her close, saying, "Consider yourself 'juiced in' dahlin'!" and laughed uncontrollably.
However, the media has spun this completely out of control. We are only given part of the story. If you look at Mrs. Bush's full statement you will see that she makes a compelling argument.
As reported, the president's mother and former First Lady said in an interview, "...And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this--this is working very well for them."
Babs went on to say, "Seriously, these people will be living in these seats for a month, maybe more. That's like having season tickets. And they're getting them for free! We all know how much money companies and individuals shell out for good seats here at the 'Dome. In fact, this little negro child my husband is hugging for the cameras is currently residing in Row F Seat 32. And you wouldn't believe the view he has! You've got to really be connected to get seats like that! And we're letting them stay there for free."
At that point, Mrs. Bush grabbed an unsuspecting African American child by her corn rows and pulled her close, saying, "Consider yourself 'juiced in' dahlin'!" and laughed uncontrollably.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
