In Memory

I was looking around on MySpace at work tonight and discovered that an old high school friend had passed away. There were comments on his page saying how much he'd be missed. I went to the obituary section of The Daily Local News' website and discovered that my old friend Ken Miller had died this past weekend.

Ken had recently gotten in touch with me on MySpace and would occasionally send me messages about "the old days". Not that we were close friends, but we did run in the same circle.

He leaves behind three daughters, and if you remember Ken, or just feel like doing something good, you can make a memorial contribution to Hudson L. Voltz, PC Trust Account, FBO/Kenneth S. Miller III Children Educational Fund, 525 Highland Blvd., Suite 107, Coatesville, PA 19320

Crazy Like A Fox News Item

Tonight on Fox 5 here in NY, they opened the email forum up with the question: "Do you think the White House should replace Dick Cheney?" One of the answers from viewers made my brother and I bust out laughing.

"No," the email said. "He should be forgiven. We forgave Bill Clinton and what he did was MUCH worse."

Hear that kids? Blow jobs are worse than shooting someone!

Look, they both essentially shot someone in the face. Neither party perpetrated the act on their wife. But only one of the "victims" in the two scenarios required serious medical attention.

I really don't know how you can call that one.

Oh the weather outside is frightful

So we finally get the first snowstorm of the season. And the news is all over it. Special reports on how to prepare for the storm, what you should buy and that sort of thing.
It's just snow.
But they show people on the news stocking up like it's the onslaught of another ice age.

Woman: "Honey, what are we gonna do if we're snowed in for several weeks??"

Man: "Paper towels. We'll need lots of paper towels! And canned goods!"

Woman: "Duct tape?"

Man: "Yes! To muffle the screams when we are forced to eat the children."

Woman: "I hope we get home before the storm starts."

Man: "Let's just enjoy our anniversary dinner. You know how hard it was to get reservations here."

Woman: "You think we'll have time to squeeze in a movie? I'd really like to see Firewall."

Man: "I rented Grizzly Man from Netflix. Let's stay in and baracade the house."

Maitre D': "Donner. Party of two. Your table's ready."

A Few Thoughts

• Inside the Actors Studio presents Martin Lawrence! Why haven't I seen this yet??? I can't wait for James Lipton's analysis of Big Momma's House 2!


• A bartender from a bar I used to frequent in New Orleans now bartends at a bar around the corner from me in Brooklyn. This is strangely comforting.


• I hate when people say they are "definitely gonna try" to do something. What that means is they are definitely gonna disappoint. You either do it or you don't. There is no try. If you don't want to do something, say so. Don't try to spare my feelings by trying to do something. Because if you don't do it, it still counts against you in the end, no matter how hard you tried.


• If God is always listening, can we sue him for invasion of privacy or is he granted the same leeway as the president?


• "Talents lose their luster if we become too familiar with them, for the outer shell of the mind is more readily seen than its rich inner kernel. Even the outstanding genius makes use of retirement so that man may honor him and so that the yearning aroused by his absence may cause him to be esteemed." -Baltasar Gracian (1601-1658)
  
  What you call laziness, I call cultivating the rich inner kernel of my potential genius.


• If you haven't been to AwesomeTown yet, you must go! Post Haste!


• I love this story about the Star Wars Bus Ride From Hell. This bus driver got kids to cut up each others' clothes with scissors as punishment? What does that have to do with Star Wars?


• Speaking of those little fuckers, I hear that schools are now paying kids to actually go to school. What? I went to school because if I didn't I would either a) get grounded or b) get threatened with physical violence. And there was always the fear I would get held back a year with the guys who always smelled like motor oil. I was definitely born in the wrong time period! If we have to pay these kids to go to school, then ALL their bus drivers should have Star Wars clubs where the kids endure unusual punishment. And we should film it for a reality show!
  

Doing Very Well Here At The Astrodome

Former First Lady, Barbara Bush, has recently come under attack for her remarks about the evacuees from New Orleans "doing very well" in the Houston Astrodome. Her remarks seem to be another example of the rich being insulated from the world around them and having only moments of forced empathy for their fellow man.

However, the media has spun this completely out of control. We are only given part of the story. If you look at Mrs. Bush's full statement you will see that she makes a compelling argument.

As reported, the president's mother and former First Lady said in an interview, "...And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this--this is working very well for them."

Babs went on to say, "Seriously, these people will be living in these seats for a month, maybe more. That's like having season tickets. And they're getting them for free! We all know how much money companies and individuals shell out for good seats here at the 'Dome. In fact, this little negro child my husband is hugging for the cameras is currently residing in Row F Seat 32. And you wouldn't believe the view he has! You've got to really be connected to get seats like that! And we're letting them stay there for free."

At that point, Mrs. Bush grabbed an unsuspecting African American child by her corn rows and pulled her close, saying, "Consider yourself 'juiced in' dahlin'!" and laughed uncontrollably.

On a Sad Note

I lived in New Orleans for 6 years. It pains me to see the devastation wrought by this hurricane. My "adopted" hometown is slowly disappearing.

Yesterday I tried to get in touch with some of my friends to see if they had escaped. I am beginning to get emails from people to say they are alright, but there are still many I haven't heard from.

They are all in shock and wondering where they will go or how they'll start over.

Here are some messages:

"We got out with all our animals and escaped to Lori's parents in Huntsville,Alabama.
Yes, it doesn't look too good.
Hope you heard from everyone else and they are alright.
I'll talk to you soon.
It's been a long few days.

Thanks for the note.
Tom"

"dave- All is ok from Baton rouge but a little scared about my little house in the Irosh Channel. They still havn't shown pictures of the area, which is a little worrisome. How are you? Would love to hear all. Will e-mail you when no that future life is good.
Meg "

"Crazy shit. I called Valentino the night the storm was nearing the city. He was "kicking back" in his Marigny/Bywater apartment and watching football with his crack smoking Brazilian friend Chico. I told him that he should probably consider leaving town. His reply was: "They are blowing it out of proportion, those TV people. We are going to go down the street and wait out the storm in Chico's 2nd floor apartment." Now I hear that Bywater is almost completely under water. I haven't been able to reach anyone I know in that area. Valentino's biggest fear is deportation; he always tried to avoid contact with the police. Now, as a refugee with no id papers, he may be completely fucked as the place is probably going to be swamped with police and government agents.
Mike's father, 78 year old man with 2 heart surgeries behind him, stayed in Metarie. He was the only person to stay on his block. Last Mike talked to him, he was frying up eggs and steak at 3 am the night of the storm. He is a crazy old Korean veteran.
Misha"

" just got a message from Valentino. He managed to find a phone. Apparently, he is okey. His neighborhood didn't get that much water. He has food, he said. I had to call a number in Canada to notify his brother that V was alive.
Mike has been living in Colorado for the past 2 or 3 years. He still hasn't heard from his father."

"hey dave-
i'm ok...me and my neighbor evacuated to lafayette on
saturday so we've been here since then. he went to
school here so he has lots of friends and we've had
places to stay and people to be nice to us in general.
this is all crazy. i'll probably be flying out of here
in a couple days back up to nj. i'm thinking i'll
probably stay there for a week or so so i can be
babied and pitied by my family, and then i'm thinking
i'm going to go out to los angeles and stay with cody
and see if i would want to live out there. i think
carmena might be out there for a while too. so that's
my report. it's just been so weird...i don't have a
city anymore. i'll write or call soon.
shana"

"email me your phone # i lost everything - new orleans is history - i'll call you when i get a working phone - shit hasn't worked since saturday !!
tim"

"Greetings All -
We heard last night from someone who had gotten though to Charlotte ... their home on the north side of the lake was severely damaged by four fallen trees ... in fact, the house was split in two and may not be recoverable. The guest house simply blew away and one of the vehicles was either crushed by a tree or blown away ... not sure of the details. No word on Hamp's home, but it is feared lost.
They were trapped by the fallen trees and had run out of drinking water. They are attempting to clear trees today and make a run for higher ground. Their first objective is to find placement for Aunt Marie, who has ALS and isn't doing well under those conditions. Uncle Pike and Aunt Marie's home in Folsom may be okay ... they'll assess today. If not, they may all come to Memphis.
The very good news is that they're alive and well. Keep your fingers crossed that they may find safe passage to Folsom and Memphis.
Thank you for your inquiries. I'll keep you posted."

If you care to help, please check out one of the following charities

Now That's Love...

You know you've got a good woman when she'll break you out of jail, gun down a few correctional officers, and flee with you to a motel.

I don't think I've EVER experienced that level of devotion.

I just wish there was a longer manhunt, or some kind of showdown. They could make this into a reality show. Sort of a cross between The Amazing Race, COPS and Jerry Springer. Each week a new couple will try to break each other out of jail and see how long they can elude the police.

THAT is television I'd watch.

The Power of Christ Compels You

A recent Gallup Poll found that three quarters of Americans have offered their prayers to the victims of the tsunami that hit southern Asia. 70 percent of those polled think that the United States is doing enough to help in the disaster relief. When asked if they had individually donated supplies or goods 43 percent said they had given it no thought. In an effort to understand these figures we’ve conducted our own interview with Joseph Mayfield, AutoCAD teacher at Henson Vocational School in Lubbock, TX, devout Christian, and self-proclaimed “most ‘American’ American in the whole damn country”.

Us: Hello Mr. Mayfield, how are you today?

Mayfield: I feel like a bucket of pounded assholes.

Us: Why is that?

Mayfield: Oh we had a late Christmas party at the office last night and I tied one on so to speak.

Us: Yikes. Hope you feel better.

Mayfield: Well, I’m headed on over to the IHOP, so I’m hoping that’ll do the trick. It’s weird how only a greasy plate of bacon and ‘cakes seems to cure a hangover.

Us: Or a nice shot of heroin.

Mayfield: What?

Us: Nevermind. Have you been following the news lately?

Mayfield: I watch the 11’oclock. That way I get the scores of all the games for the day.

Us: Have you heard about this tsunami business?

Mayfield: Yeah. Sucks don’t it? My prayers go out to all our boys over there helping them out.

Us: What about the actual victims of the tsunami?

Mayfield: The will of God.

Us: God did this?

Mayfield: Who else can cause that?

Us: Um... okay...But why?

Mayfield: "Because they have hated instruction, and received not the fear of the Lord." Proverbs.

Us: What about all the Americans that died? Certainly some of them were Christians and had received the fear of the Lord.

Mayfield: They shouldn’t a been over there to begin with. Just goes to show, right? Wrong place, wrong time.

Us: That’s rather brutal.

Mayfield: You know as well as I that Thailand’s biggest export is child pornography, so those people that went over there were obviously trying to sleep with children... and God smote ‘em.

Us: Well... I don’t, um...Do you feel that the U.S. is doing all it can to help out with the disaster relief?

Mayfield: Hell yeah. $350 million oughta be enough. And that’s coming outta W’s own pocket ya know. Good man. Good Christian man.

Us: That money’s not coming from...

Mayfield: AND we sent the military over there too. While we have a democracy to build over in Iraq. I’d say we’re spreading ourselves rather thin with our kindness, don’t you?

Us: Have you made any personal contributions to the relief effort?

Mayfield: No I have not. But, as I said before, I pray for them.

Us: Would you consider yourself generous person?

Mayfield: If by generous you mean Christian, yes...yes I do.

Us: How much do you contribute annually in prayer?

Mayfield: You don’t measure that stuff and I don’t much like you making a joke of this.

Us: No, you’re right. I was just wondering if there were prayer write-offs you may know about. Like if you pray for a non-Christian and he dies and goes to Hell, do you get that prayer back at the end of the year? Perhaps you’d like to see the current administration work out a bill for something like that? I know I would.

Mayfield: What are you jabbering about?

Us: Look, people that contribute money for aid around the world can use those contributions as a tax write-off and get that money back at the end of the year. Now you can’t spare any money, so instead you send them your prayers. You should be entitled to the same compensation as those other folks, and I say you get your prayers back!

Mayfield: I don’t have time for this. I’m hanging up.

Us: One last question.

Mayfield: Hurry it up.

Us: Do you feel that this disaster is worse, better, or on par with the events of 9/11 and would you like to have it shoved in your face repeatedly every Christmas for the next four years?

Mayfield: I can’t be bothered like this. There’s a game on. (Hangs up)

Us: Our thoughts exactly.