The Wedding Videographer

Dear Mr. Sullivan,

I am writing to inform you that I will be able to capture your "greatest day" (i.e. your marriage to Hope) for posterity next Saturday April 29th. In fact, I will be able to create a nice little DVD package for you, so you can have it close at hand to pop in the player whenever you come across guests who refuse to leave when the party is winding down.

I must say, however, for a man who spent the last three years engaged to this woman, and the last year and a half attending classes and converting to Catholicism for this occasion, asking a friend with a digital video-camera to provide his services 2 weeks before the wedding, shows an amazing lack of planning. And your chicanery in this matter does not escape me. I realize that "employing" a guest who has already RSVP'd, instead of hunting down a professional wedding videographer, will certainly save you some cash.

Your offer of "there might be some beer in it for you", was particularly Scrooge-worthy. Assuming that there will be free beer at the reception, of course. Or did you scrimp on that too? If so, good day sir!

Since you seem unwilling to put forth the dough for a proper production, here are some meager requests I have:

1. Assuming we won't be permitted to lay down dolly-track on the aisle of the church, I would require a wheelchair or a shopping cart to achieve the desired effect. Nothing screams "high production value" like a nice tracking shot. If he has RSVP'd, I can use Mr. Michael Shaughnessy's services as dolly-grip. If not, I request that one be provided.

2. Permission from the priest performing this little marriage, to get POV shots. This would require the priest to wear spy-glasses. The pair I have are equipped with night-vision, which would serve to distinguish the priest-eye view from the audience's. In post we can add cool scrolling numbers to make it look like "Terminator" or "Predator". Of course, this is an artistic choice I will leave up to you.

3. I would also like to be able to pump in my own music over the sound system, to get the audience members pumped up. There is nothing more amateurish than background extras who don't appear to be "real". By blasting some hardcore dance anthems, we can achieve this. Some will get into it and begin dancing, while others will become annoyed and want to leave. When I call action, some will be sweaty and some will be looking at their watch, and it will have the appearance of a real wedding.

4. Green M&Ms in the sacristy. Please.

Hopefully, we can work out these details. Please feel free to give me a call so we can further discuss things.

Yours,
Dave Orsborn