A recent Gallup Poll found that three quarters of Americans have offered their prayers to the victims of the tsunami that hit southern Asia. 70 percent of those polled think that the United States is doing enough to help in the disaster relief. When asked if they had individually donated supplies or goods 43 percent said they had given it no thought. In an effort to understand these figures we’ve conducted our own interview with Joseph Mayfield, AutoCAD teacher at Henson Vocational School in Lubbock, TX, devout Christian, and self-proclaimed “most ‘American’ American in the whole damn country”.
Us: Hello Mr. Mayfield, how are you today?
Mayfield: I feel like a bucket of pounded assholes.
Us: Why is that?
Mayfield: Oh we had a late Christmas party at the office last night and I tied one on so to speak.
Us: Yikes. Hope you feel better.
Mayfield: Well, I’m headed on over to the IHOP, so I’m hoping that’ll do the trick. It’s weird how only a greasy plate of bacon and ‘cakes seems to cure a hangover.
Us: Or a nice shot of heroin.
Mayfield: What?
Us: Nevermind. Have you been following the news lately?
Mayfield: I watch the 11’oclock. That way I get the scores of all the games for the day.
Us: Have you heard about this tsunami business?
Mayfield: Yeah. Sucks don’t it? My prayers go out to all our boys over there helping them out.
Us: What about the actual victims of the tsunami?
Mayfield: The will of God.
Us: God did this?
Mayfield: Who else can cause that?
Us: Um... okay...But why?
Mayfield: "Because they have hated instruction, and received not the fear of the Lord." Proverbs.
Us: What about all the Americans that died? Certainly some of them were Christians and had received the fear of the Lord.
Mayfield: They shouldn’t a been over there to begin with. Just goes to show, right? Wrong place, wrong time.
Us: That’s rather brutal.
Mayfield: You know as well as I that Thailand’s biggest export is child pornography, so those people that went over there were obviously trying to sleep with children... and God smote ‘em.
Us: Well... I don’t, um...Do you feel that the U.S. is doing all it can to help out with the disaster relief?
Mayfield: Hell yeah. $350 million oughta be enough. And that’s coming outta W’s own pocket ya know. Good man. Good Christian man.
Us: That money’s not coming from...
Mayfield: AND we sent the military over there too. While we have a democracy to build over in Iraq. I’d say we’re spreading ourselves rather thin with our kindness, don’t you?
Us: Have you made any personal contributions to the relief effort?
Mayfield: No I have not. But, as I said before, I pray for them.
Us: Would you consider yourself generous person?
Mayfield: If by generous you mean Christian, yes...yes I do.
Us: How much do you contribute annually in prayer?
Mayfield: You don’t measure that stuff and I don’t much like you making a joke of this.
Us: No, you’re right. I was just wondering if there were prayer write-offs you may know about. Like if you pray for a non-Christian and he dies and goes to Hell, do you get that prayer back at the end of the year? Perhaps you’d like to see the current administration work out a bill for something like that? I know I would.
Mayfield: What are you jabbering about?
Us: Look, people that contribute money for aid around the world can use those contributions as a tax write-off and get that money back at the end of the year. Now you can’t spare any money, so instead you send them your prayers. You should be entitled to the same compensation as those other folks, and I say you get your prayers back!
Mayfield: I don’t have time for this. I’m hanging up.
Us: One last question.
Mayfield: Hurry it up.
Us: Do you feel that this disaster is worse, better, or on par with the events of 9/11 and would you like to have it shoved in your face repeatedly every Christmas for the next four years?
Mayfield: I can’t be bothered like this. There’s a game on. (Hangs up)
Us: Our thoughts exactly.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment