eHarmony

Last summer I tried signing up for an online dating service.

I've never been good at meeting women. I'm just not that much of a catch. I certainly can't meet women at a bar because I'm one of those "invisible" people. I'm quiet, not too attractive, and don't wear outrageous clothes to draw attention to myself. I like to blend in. Or, in my case, fade into the background. In fact, I am so non-descript, I think I would probably be a real good international spy. My complete lack of distict, individual characteristics would be perfect for stealing microfilm documents and slipping unnoticed into a large crowd.

However, this does not help me in attracting the ladies.

I have only been with one girl in my life who said I was "hot" and that only lasted two weeks and I'm not sure whether it ever really happened or was just the result of bad food and an overactive imagination. Every girl in my life has bided their time with me because they thought I had a good personality. I find it hard to show off that "good personality" on a first encounter so I choose to mind my own business and not put forth the effort.

I have several male friends who do the online dating thing and they suggested I give it a try.
As I had no other viable options, I figured what the hell?

I decided to sign up with eHarmony, as it was recommended by one friend as being a real good one.

eHarmony has this bullshit 29 levels of compatibilty that they use to match people. In order to properly assess these 29 levels of compatribility, they make you fill out the longest profile questionnaire I've ever encountered. It took me almost an hour to fill out and then I sent it and waited for my confirmation email.

I received it within seconds.
It was short and to the point. It read: "Due to the high success rate of our matches, eHarmony would rather not take you on as a client than risk an uncertain match." And then they said I could retrieve my personality profile free of charge. I guess so I could see what was wrong with me and how I could change myself to become a better suitor.
I printed it out and laughed at my fortune. I knew I was doomed to eternal loneliness and now I had the electronic proof!

I wondered what could've thrown me off their list of appropriate clients.
I think it was my income level.
When filling out the profile of myself I had this kooky idea that I should be honest! I clicked the “Less than $20,000” under my income. I am almost certain that is what took me out of their database.

And what’s with this “Less than $20,000” category? I’ve seen it on many applications for any number of things. It asks your income and you have a bunch of choices like “$80,000 to $100,000”, “$50,000 to $79,000”, “$21,000 to $49,000”.
And then there’s the “Less than $20,000” category, which I currently fall under.

But look, this is completely misleading. Say I make $19,999 a year. I’m not setting the world on fire here, I’m living hand to mouth, but I’m paying my bills, a little late from time to time, but I’ve got a roof over my head and food on the table. But you look at this application that says I make “Less than $20,000”. That puts me in the same economic bracket as the guy collecting beer bottles in front of my apartment every morning.

What the fuck?! How am I supposed to find a date when I’m essentially in the same playing field as a homeless man? I can’t. Cuz he’s got sideburns and I can’t grow facial hair!

Well, I never did try signing up with another service and forgot about the whole thing. I've decided that I can't possibly date anyone until I have a job and make lots of money. I'm not sure if that will ever happen, so I'm not sure if I'll ever get to meet anyone. Thanks eHarmony! For reminding me that I have very little reason to keep going.

Eh. What're ya gonna do?