As regular readers may already know I tried signing up for an online dating service several years ago, only to be denied membership. The authorities believed I was such a lost cause they wanted nothing to do with me. You can read about that here.
Well, several years have passed, I'm still eternally single, and I found myself bored and in front of the computer on Valentine's Day. So I decided to take a crack at that online dating thing again.
It was a sham... as expected.
Within minutes of signing up I received 6 messages. I checked their profiles and they all seemed pretty cool. Except for the fact that they were from either Albany or Syracuse. And two from Ventura, CA! I tried to respond to one of the emails that intrigued me. I then realized I could not reply to those messages unless I got a "pro" account for $29.95 a month.
The funny thing is, some of these messages are cleverly disguised as honest messages from real women, but they are just ploys to get me to turn over my credit card information.
I'll take you through some of the emails I got:
This first one entitled "Screw This Holiday" was received about 2 hours after I had signed up on the 14th:
I messaged several people including you 2 days ago asking what you had planned for today and I didn't receive a single response. I can understand if you were already taken but at least let me know. Guess its a little to late to do anything now.
Wow! That made me feel kinda bad right from the start. I can understand if you were already taken but at least let me know. I felt guilty for not contacting this woman before I joined the site! Here I am, 2 hours into my online dating life and I'm being yelled at by some crazy "woman"!
This was the first, and only, message I received from this "girl", but she was sure she'd contacted me before:
You got anything going on tonight. I sent you a couple of messages a while back and didn't receive a response from you. Thought you might of wanted to hang out tonight being that its valentines day and all and I don't have a date. Let me know if you have something going and if your interested. Hope to hear back from you this time.
The subject line for this email read: "Very sensitive, with a loving and caring heart, likes to help those who have less."
My friends say I have "butterfly magic" in social situations, whatever that means ;) It's easy for me to meet new people because I instantly put others at ease. It's part of my laid-back personality and midwestern upbringing. I'm looking for someone to be friends first...someone down-to-earth, handsome, confident, open-minded. I find the artsy creative types intriguing. My passions include traveling, learning about other cultures, art, & music. If you want to know more, write. Thanks!
OK, there was the plug to write back (remember you have to pay $29.95 a month to actually "write back") but she seemed like she might be real. This told me a little about herself, as generic as it was, and I liked the fact that she was interested in "artsy, creative types" (i.e. the unemployed). I may have a chance to experience some o' dat "butterfly magic"
I checked her profile and she seemed laid back and confident and talked about spirituality and other mumbo jumbo that could interest me if I am drunk, but then she finished up with this line that blew me out of the water: and I know this sounds extremely shallow but I do like a full head of hair.
ARGH! Foiled again!
This one was titled: "I Mailed You"
It was the first message I received from this user.
I wrote and asked if you wanted a submissive woman, did you get the message? Can you reply? If you don't like submissive women that's ok i'll just write someone else who does. If I don't hear back from you in the next day or so, i'll consider you not interested.
Again with the passive aggressiveness, trying to make me feel bad for not contacting these pseudo-women. And if you're really submissive you won't be considering anything, cuz I didn't tell you you could think for yourself yet.
And today I got this message from a real take-charge kinda gal, entitled: "I Need A Date For Saturday"
If you are interesting in going out saturday night I would love for you to be my date. I promise to make it worth your time. If you want to know where we'd be going or ask anything else just write me back soon since there isn't a lot of time.
Whoa! Hold the reins there dolly. This "girl" is 21 and lives in Albany, NY. Not even old enough to rent a car to drive 8 hours to pick me up for said "date".
I'm going to keep this account just to amuse myself with the messages I receive.
I no longer get messages from the midget and dwarf dating site my buddies with The Hall signed me up for, so this'll have to suffice.
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