Thursday, May 25, 2006
Cruel Summer
They always say that "the holidays" (ie. Thanksgiving through New Years) are the worst time for lonely people. As a long-time Lonely Guy, I have to disagree with that bit of folklore. No, I think that summer is incredibly depressing and hateful for the individual suffering from loneliness.
Why?
Because that is always when couples come out en masse, to flaunt their happiness. To go for walks and enjoy being alive. What's up with that?
For this reason I tend to hibernate in the summer. This year should be no different. In fact, I have a job working the 3rd shift, so I will be sleeping most days this summer, saving me from having to interact with people and subject myself to the world around me. What some folks refer to as "living".
It's been quite a few years since I got any joy out of that interminable season called summer. I blame this on Hollywood. A man in my condition needs summer blockbusters to make it through the day. A darkened movie theater is a safe haven from the outside world of roving couples armed with picnic baskets or strollers.
I hope that the cinematic drivel I plan on spending my summer with this year doesn't completely rot my brain. And if I'm lucky, there may be a few that warrant repeat viewings. That will help keep me away from parks and beaches and other dangerous communal, anti-lonely guy locations.
Why?
Because that is always when couples come out en masse, to flaunt their happiness. To go for walks and enjoy being alive. What's up with that?
For this reason I tend to hibernate in the summer. This year should be no different. In fact, I have a job working the 3rd shift, so I will be sleeping most days this summer, saving me from having to interact with people and subject myself to the world around me. What some folks refer to as "living".
It's been quite a few years since I got any joy out of that interminable season called summer. I blame this on Hollywood. A man in my condition needs summer blockbusters to make it through the day. A darkened movie theater is a safe haven from the outside world of roving couples armed with picnic baskets or strollers.
I hope that the cinematic drivel I plan on spending my summer with this year doesn't completely rot my brain. And if I'm lucky, there may be a few that warrant repeat viewings. That will help keep me away from parks and beaches and other dangerous communal, anti-lonely guy locations.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Party Hall News
Party Hall For Rent, the sketch comedy group I am in, now has their very own MySpace page. I've posted a few more videos from our performance last August. So check 'em out!
We also got together on Saturday to plot the course for the group's future. This involved lots of drinking, calling each other homos, and discovering the largest cockroach in New York City reading the paper on the toilet in the men's room. (We discussed a few projects with the roach, but he refused to sign a release form so we may get slapped with a lawsuit if we pursue any of those ideas further.)
We should be shooting some short videos and stuff in the coming weeks. These will be posted on the aforementioned MySpace page. I will probably link to them from here as well.
We also got together on Saturday to plot the course for the group's future. This involved lots of drinking, calling each other homos, and discovering the largest cockroach in New York City reading the paper on the toilet in the men's room. (We discussed a few projects with the roach, but he refused to sign a release form so we may get slapped with a lawsuit if we pursue any of those ideas further.)
We should be shooting some short videos and stuff in the coming weeks. These will be posted on the aforementioned MySpace page. I will probably link to them from here as well.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Verio Web Hosting Is a Front
I am now being pursued by a collection agency for one of the charges on my credit card from my recent identity theft.
I am required to pen a letter to the collection agency and the company stating that I am disputing these charges. Will it never end? I sent the following letter:
ATTN: George Sell
Verio Web Hosting
RE: Disputed Charge for account No. XXXX-XXXXX-XX
Dear Mr. Sell,
I am writing in response to IC System’s recent attempt to acquire monetary settlement for an account I never set up with your company Verio Web Hosting.
On or around February 17th, 2006, I discovered that there were multiple felonious charges on my credit card at the time. I disputed these charges and signed an affadavit with my creditor. These charges were dropped and reinstated to my account.
Now I am being approached from your company about these charges that I never made myself. You assert that I requested you host a web site named www.ozsale.net. This is simply not true. Not only have I never tried to acquire said domain, I recently tried to access the site and did not have authorization. So if you are hosting this site for me, you’re doing a damn poor job of it.
I can only assume two things:
1) This site was purchased after my identity theft by some third party, and you have no other involvement in this case aside from unwittingly hosting an illegal site. (On a Google search for ozsale.net, I came across multiple listings for Australian ebay sites. I have never been to Australia and I would not be interested in selling Australian goods, unless you count the Nerf boomerang I have listed on craigslist as an “Australian” item.)
2)Your company engages in nefarious web activities that steal consumers’ financial information and sells it to other web-based companies, and is actually a money-laundering front for your true nature as an international arms dealer and white slavery ringleader. By bilking unsuspecting consumers out of $40 here and there, you have been able to fund an elite fighting force in Paraguay, whose mission it is to stamp out truth and justice wherever it rears its head.
Hopefully this second scenario is merely a Red Bull-addled fever dream and not something I should report to the Better Business Bureau. Either way I call upon you to cancel this account immediately. Because in the end, I am not giving you one red cent.
Thank you for your attention in this matter.
Yours,
Dave Orsborn
I am required to pen a letter to the collection agency and the company stating that I am disputing these charges. Will it never end? I sent the following letter:
ATTN: George Sell
Verio Web Hosting
RE: Disputed Charge for account No. XXXX-XXXXX-XX
Dear Mr. Sell,
I am writing in response to IC System’s recent attempt to acquire monetary settlement for an account I never set up with your company Verio Web Hosting.
On or around February 17th, 2006, I discovered that there were multiple felonious charges on my credit card at the time. I disputed these charges and signed an affadavit with my creditor. These charges were dropped and reinstated to my account.
Now I am being approached from your company about these charges that I never made myself. You assert that I requested you host a web site named www.ozsale.net. This is simply not true. Not only have I never tried to acquire said domain, I recently tried to access the site and did not have authorization. So if you are hosting this site for me, you’re doing a damn poor job of it.
I can only assume two things:
1) This site was purchased after my identity theft by some third party, and you have no other involvement in this case aside from unwittingly hosting an illegal site. (On a Google search for ozsale.net, I came across multiple listings for Australian ebay sites. I have never been to Australia and I would not be interested in selling Australian goods, unless you count the Nerf boomerang I have listed on craigslist as an “Australian” item.)
2)Your company engages in nefarious web activities that steal consumers’ financial information and sells it to other web-based companies, and is actually a money-laundering front for your true nature as an international arms dealer and white slavery ringleader. By bilking unsuspecting consumers out of $40 here and there, you have been able to fund an elite fighting force in Paraguay, whose mission it is to stamp out truth and justice wherever it rears its head.
Hopefully this second scenario is merely a Red Bull-addled fever dream and not something I should report to the Better Business Bureau. Either way I call upon you to cancel this account immediately. Because in the end, I am not giving you one red cent.
Thank you for your attention in this matter.
Yours,
Dave Orsborn
Friday, May 12, 2006
Elementary, my dear Watson
I believe that one of my email accounts could have possibly been hijacked. I have been getting messages from a Barry Cohen who uses a South African email address. They are regular messages (forwarded jokes and such) and I am listed in his address book it appears, along with others in South Africa and one gmail account. Under my actual name, mind you, not just my email address.
Perhaps he knows another Dave Orsborn and found my email address in a Google search or something. Or maybe he is an evil co-conspirator in last February's theft of my credit card information! And he has accidentally exposed himself.
Let me start off by saying I don't trust anything that comes out of South Africa, especially not after seeing Lethal Weapon 2. Those people are nothing but trouble! They killed Mel Gibson's wife, not to mention the cute blonde girl that worked in the embassy, only minutes after he had sex with her. Evil South Africans! Oh, and that goes for Charlize Theron too. Talk about bait and switch. She swindles her way into an acting career using her statuesque good-looks, then covers herself in ugly-make-up to win awards. Fie on you!
Of course, it could've been the Australians who stuck it to me.
I got a letter from a collection agency yesterday attempting to collect on one of my disputed charges from February. The website they say I registered and am having hosted for $40 is www.ozsale.net. I tried to go to that site but did not have authorization. After googling ozsale i came up with several listings for Australian ebay sites.
Aha!
That's what I said.
But I didn't know what to say or do after that. I'm not Sherlock Holmes.
So I just removed that suspicious email account from anything connected to monetary transactions I may conduct online.
If my identity is stolen again, they can have it. I've been meaning to get a new one anyway, and that would just be the impetus I need.
Perhaps he knows another Dave Orsborn and found my email address in a Google search or something. Or maybe he is an evil co-conspirator in last February's theft of my credit card information! And he has accidentally exposed himself.
Let me start off by saying I don't trust anything that comes out of South Africa, especially not after seeing Lethal Weapon 2. Those people are nothing but trouble! They killed Mel Gibson's wife, not to mention the cute blonde girl that worked in the embassy, only minutes after he had sex with her. Evil South Africans! Oh, and that goes for Charlize Theron too. Talk about bait and switch. She swindles her way into an acting career using her statuesque good-looks, then covers herself in ugly-make-up to win awards. Fie on you!
Of course, it could've been the Australians who stuck it to me.
I got a letter from a collection agency yesterday attempting to collect on one of my disputed charges from February. The website they say I registered and am having hosted for $40 is www.ozsale.net. I tried to go to that site but did not have authorization. After googling ozsale i came up with several listings for Australian ebay sites.
Aha!
That's what I said.
But I didn't know what to say or do after that. I'm not Sherlock Holmes.
So I just removed that suspicious email account from anything connected to monetary transactions I may conduct online.
If my identity is stolen again, they can have it. I've been meaning to get a new one anyway, and that would just be the impetus I need.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Hey Jude
I'd like to give a shout-out to Misha and Trudy on welcoming their new son, Julian, into the world.
Congratulations! Hope to see you all soon.
Check out Julian's web page for pics of the lil guy.
Congratulations! Hope to see you all soon.
Check out Julian's web page for pics of the lil guy.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Glub...Glub...
David Blaine failed to break the world record for holding his breath. Boo hoo. I say they put him back in until he can do it right! Oh? You're a minute and 52 seconds short of beating the record? Well, back under you go, David. You don't want the world to call you a quitter now, right? If you fall off the horse you gotta get back up on it!
He spent 177 hours under water. I ask you, what's two more minutes?
As any five year old kid will tell you, the best way to get someone's attention is by holding your breath as long as you can. That, and pissing all over yourself.
He spent 177 hours under water. I ask you, what's two more minutes?
As any five year old kid will tell you, the best way to get someone's attention is by holding your breath as long as you can. That, and pissing all over yourself.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Cinco de Mayo Ideas
The other day a friend of mine asked if I had any ideas for her Cinco de Mayo party. After the usual suggestions of tequila, mojitos, salsa, chips, a pinata, sombreros, I said,
"Oh! You can put barbed wire around your yard and make your guests sneak into the party!"
In fact, they can be considered temporary partygoers, because they will be expected to return to their homes when their period of partying has expired. Undocumented partiers will be expected to pay a one-time fee to register for the partygoer program. Everyone should be required to wear a badge with thier name. This is merely in hopes that someone will say, "Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!" Once this phrase is uttered, you can abandon the badge-giving charade. Of course there will be those who don't register and still get past, but that is fine as you will most likely be able to find them working in the kitchen. In fact, a few may be of use to help you clean up after the party.
And the guests should all be dressed up like Zorro.
"Oh! You can put barbed wire around your yard and make your guests sneak into the party!"
In fact, they can be considered temporary partygoers, because they will be expected to return to their homes when their period of partying has expired. Undocumented partiers will be expected to pay a one-time fee to register for the partygoer program. Everyone should be required to wear a badge with thier name. This is merely in hopes that someone will say, "Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!" Once this phrase is uttered, you can abandon the badge-giving charade. Of course there will be those who don't register and still get past, but that is fine as you will most likely be able to find them working in the kitchen. In fact, a few may be of use to help you clean up after the party.
And the guests should all be dressed up like Zorro.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Down The Memory Hole
Over the last few days I have been rewatching Stephen Colbert's roasting of GW Bush and the press and thinking to myself, "Thank God there is someone in this country with fucking balls." But, apparently the White House and the press didn't find it funny. It was interesting how the laughter died whenever he touched a nerve and exposed the truthiness of a situation.
Check out the video here
Check out the video here
Monday, May 01, 2006
Fatty Fatty Boom Blatty
After spending a good 10-15 minutes Saturday to try to button my suit's pants before my friend's wedding, I realized it was time to take some action. So today I plopped down $200 for a gym membership. I get a free nutritional counseling, free personal trainer consultations, and free towel service. Woohoo!
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