Allow me to be pretentious for a moment, or: When your Muse speaks to you, you better fuckin' listen

You begin to meet people who are in the field of
your bliss and they open the doors for you. I say
follow your bliss and don't be afraid and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be."
- Joseph Campbell

I talked with an old friend tonight and we had an amazing conversation. Every now and then you feel yourself getting to a small nugget of truth about yourself, but it takes an outside viewpoint to really dust it off and show it to you in the right light. What may have seemed like idle chatter to her really tore the curtains off those windows and let the light in.

This friend has known me for many years and probably knew me better than anyone. Long ago, when were closer I had shared my most intimate thoughts with her. She knew me. And she still knows me pretty well. I needed that lost voice from long ago to tell me what I'd been waiting to hear.

We talked about the "incident" in Pittsburgh 11 years ago. Where I had been beaten close to death. I've always felt that was a turning point in my life. That was where the old me turned into the new me. She told me I had changed after that. Of course that is understandable, given the nature of the incident. But I hadn't changed for the better.

Instead of embracing life and following my dreams with more determination, I retreated into my self, became more reflective. As I told her, the things I wanted to do in life seemed very trivial now. There was an underlying sense of malaise in everything I did. I became overly pessimistic. I believe I lost my faith. Not just in God (which I did. I am now a bit of an agnostic) and the world around me, but in myself.

I lost my passion, that burning desire in me to create art. Oh, I've flirted with it over the years, but never with the intensity I once had. She talked about Joseph Campbell, (ironically I just watched The Power of Myth last night!) and how I always seemed to be someone who "followed his bliss" and that only that would make me happy.

She told me she still believes that passion is in me, but that it is buried under years of neglect and pain.

But recently I feel it coming back. I feel like a bird let out of his cage. I have no security right now, but I am not worried as I have been in the past. I have no chains, or bars holding me back. I am free to "follow my bliss".

I am not sure what my path is. I can only walk it. I know that the daily grind, the nine to five drudgery (as I see it) is not for me. And the nine to five world completely agrees with me. Traditional employment and I are ill-suited for each other. I am taking a step into the unknown. And I will not listen to any advice to try and bring me back into the fold. The search for a stable income and traditonal employment has diverted my attention long enough. Now it is time to sing, to play the fiddle while Rome burns!

I am ready to get to work!