Coma, Coma, Coma-chameleon

I think one of the biggest mistakes I made in life was not really dealing with the effects of the brain injury I received when I was 20 years old. Thirteen years later and I am noticing some accelerated deterioration in my mental abilities. I laugh it off and make jokes about it, but I'm really afraid that within the next ten years I won't be functioning at all.

I remember one of my therapists in the rehabilitation center telling me that all my psychologists and therapists were afraid to discharge me because I hadn't "dealt with the emotional and psychological aspects" of my brain injury. I was making progress physically: learning to tie my shoes, learning to walk, learning to pick up objects with my left hand (which had been paralysed and balled into a tight fist for almost a month). But I never really acknowledged the fact that I may never be who I was before and I hadn't shown any anger about what had happened. This worried the docs.

But I just wanted to be myself again. To return to my old life and pick up where I left off. And my family and friends wanted the same. I remember my father telling me, "If you fall off the horse, you gotta just get back up and keep riding".

And so I picked myself up, brushed off the dirt and jumped back in. Without considering how my life might be different now that I've suffered this little injury.

And it was not like any of my friends or family knew any better. They wanted me to be my old self too. I was treated with kid gloves for a couple months, but soon it was "back to normal".

But a lot of the things that I later discovered are symptomatic of head injuries, started popping up. And fucking with my life.

I had a girlfriend who broke up with me because she said I'd lost all my ambition after the "accident". She said there were two ways of dealing with a "set-back": "You can pursue things with more determination, or you can just blame other people. And you chose the latter." OK, but this was six months after my injury. And neither of us knew that my "lack of ambition" was a result of more serious issues inside my head.

I've gone through a multitude of jobs over the years and I've been fired from quite a few of those. Often I forget to do things if they are not written down and I have trouble multi-tasking (unless everything is written down for me). If I am in the middle of doing something and one person asks me to do something I am alright. But then a third person asks me to do something. So when I finish my first task I do what the third person asks me to do and completely forget that I even had a conversation with the second person. Which is really not an appealing thing for employers. I have, on occasion, carried a notebook with my to jot down "things to do" as they occur. Though, this too is not appealing to some employers. Why should they bother with someone who has to write everything down in order to remember to do it when there are plenty of able-minded people who can do the job faster?

A lot of the time I would get angry with people out of the blue. And then forget about it and wonder why they're upset with me.

I think I was always moody and depressed. Even before the injury. But It's been a more daily occurance over the last thirteen years.

I never saw these things as results of my brain injury. And they are not so severe that I think I'm any different than other people. I mean, everyone has memory lapses. Everyone has gotten on a train, spent 45 minutes commuting, only to get off at a stop and realize you can't remember why you got on the train in the first place. Right?

I've started telling stories that go nowhere. I will start talking to someone and realize half-way through that I don't know the point of this tale and I am no longer interested in telling it. Sometimes I actually stop and just say, "That's it. nevermind."

If I'm with a group of friends in a crowded place I usually can't focus on the conversation (unless I'm telling a story that goes nowhere) and end up staring off into space a lot.

I feel my grip is slipping each day.

I looked up a list of side effects to brain injuries recently to see if I'm just getting old or if my waning brain activity is a result of my accident:

Difficulty remembering/learning check
inability to concentrate, understand complex issues, plan, make judgements or think quickly check
Irritability check
aggression the number of fights I've gotten into in the last 13 years is kinda ridiculous. Especially for someone who can't fight
restlessness I am writing this little blog entry because I can't sleep. check.
lack of spontaneity check
childishness just because I think farts are funny doesn't mean I'm childish
apathy i couldn't give a shit
mood swings check
depression check
excessive emotions (ie laughing, swearing or crying excessively or other inappropriate behaviour) AHHH! Fuck shit damn I hope you die. Nah. I'm cool.
self-centredness a BIG ol' check here!
lack of ambition surprised I had the drive to write this blog entry
changes in usual personality I'll let people who knew me before weigh in on that

Well, as is my MO these days, I don't have an ending for this story. I don't even know why I started writing it.
So there it is.